InsaneJournal

job dialouge

I had my six month job dialogue at work on Tuesday. 

I’d filled out the paperwork for it at the end of May when I was feeling pretty down in general and also before I resolved to stop relentlessly putting myself down  and I have to say I really wish I had been able to re-do it.  Everything I wrote was so negative it was almost embarrassing going over it with the Assistant Team Leader.  When I wrote it up I thought it was a realistic appraisal of my abilities but it totally wasn’t because I completely omitted everything I do right.  I’m not a superstar sort of cashier but I’m competent, I’m efficient and I prioritize doing the job which is a pretty big deal when most of the people you work with are 20-something slackers more interested in where their going after work than in keeping lines moving and helping out co-workers.  Also my numbers are really good—I’m fast on the register, I move a lot of customers through my line and I balance my till consistently.  Also I really do care about the store and the people I work with and I’ve made a lot of effort to stand up for them and make their concerns known.  I have my weak areas—I’m not outgoing, I don’t have a lot of energy, I’m occasionally moody, and my attendance has been poor over the past six months due to my mental heath problems—but I don’t suck nearly as much as my self-evaluation made out. 

I managed to convey some of this verbally during the job dialogue and luckily the supervisor I ended up doing it with was someone who knew me and knows how I work so she cut me a lot of slack.  I’m really glad it wasn’t with the Team Leader who’s only been there two months and would have had have to more or less take my word for things.  I also talked to her a bit about the previous Team Leader leaving in April, something I still harbor a certain amount of guilt and mixed feelings about.  She assured me that while my letter had helped bring things to a head, there had been problems for a long time and that my letter had really gone a long way towards giving the team back its voice.  That was really reassuring to hear.  It’s very hard for me to let go of guilt—something else I need to work on. 

I got a twenty-five cent raise, which adds up to a little less than $2 per shift before taxes but every little bit helps and I think it was a good learning experience.  It really showed me how false my views of myself (and reality in general) can be get when I’m depressed and when I’m focusing strictly on the negative.