bitterfig

I ended up calling in to work yesterday and today which is pretty sad considering that I’ve only been back from vacation for two days.  I sort of knew I was going to do it yesterday.  When I saw the schedule on Sunday I really felt like there was no way I could go in for the All Store Meeting from 6:30 to 8:00 a.m. and then work a 12:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. shift.  Then today I was tired (I slept most of the morning) and having weird chills and didn’t want to deal with working. 

 

Exactly what is it I find work so difficult?  First there’s the sheer tediousness factor which I think everyone feels.  I of course add to that a whole level of various stresses—worries that I’ll displease a customer, that I’ll break one of the numerous rules, that I haven’t responded properly to a question, that I’m a failure, that I’m stupid, unfriendly, ugly and an all around miserable excuse for a human being.  Then there’s the level of physical discomfort and pain.  My legs and feet hurt from standing.  I grind my teeth when I’m anxious so I usually have a sore jaw and a low level headache that’s made worse by all the background noise and music.  Something with the air conditioning makes my sinuses feel very raw, almost peeled.  When I don’t eat properly I don’t really get hungry per say but I do get very, very tired and it’s an effort stay focused.  Of course when I do eat I feel really, really cold for the next hour. 

 

I’m sure it’s all psychosomatic or brought on myself.  I guess the question is why should I find my life so overwhelming that deliberately shut down like this?  Maybe because I’m unhappy with where I am and I know I can’t go back to living in my parent’s attic which means I’ll have to find something else to do, something new and different and unfamiliar the mere thought of which makes me want to give up already, curl up and disappear. 

When I was 22 and 23 years old (in 1994 and 1995) I lost over 100 pounds.  I've managed to keep most of that weight off (though at a tremendous cost-- the time and energy I devote to keeping my weight down has pretty much crippled me in a lot of other areas.  For instance, I don't exactly have a social life or a career.)

While I was at my parents house last week I was looking through some of my things and found some pictures of myself from when I was college age.  Photos of me from this time are fairly rare, I was very reluctant to pose because I thought I was so disgusting.  Looking at them however I can't help but think that I wasn't quite as bad as I thought.  In all honesty the first thing that strikes me when looking at them isn't my size but  my glasses.  They're hideous.  I really should have gotten smaller frames but that wasn't the sort of thing I'd have  ever considered doing at the time because all I could think of was that I was fat and I had to fix that before I could even consider anything else.  I guess I've always had tunnel vision where my weight is concerned.