bitterfig

In a way the self-pity and recriminations of my recent posts has been my way of coping with my health problems.  I think I'm more comfortable blaming myself than admitting that things actually seem very much beyond my control. 

 

I had to call in sick to work yet again yesterday and it's easier to say "I'm lazy, I’m selfish, I’m irresponsible" than it is to admit that I'm helpless.  That despite my best efforts to change my diet I’m still having moments were I'm extremely nauseous and shaky.   Even though it's over 80 degrees outside I have chills so badly I have to cover myself with a blanket and I can’t seem to do anything to stop it.  It’s frightening, it really is and I’m also very concerned about money, my job, and my independence. 

 

I hate that I’m writing about my health problems again.  I very much want to be over them but they continue to intrude and really consume my attention and energy. 

I made it through my blood tests on Wednesday without incident.  In fact the whole procedure only took a few minutes and was fairly simple and painless in proportion to the amount of anxiety, dread and anticipation I invested in it.

 

My doctor called a few days later with the results.  My sugar is still low but my insulin levels seem to be normal.  Besides referring me to see an endocrinologist she really didn’t say anything about what I should do to deal with the problem even though I specifically asked. 

 

Dealing with doctors makes me crazy sometimes. 

 

So I’ve made an appointment to see an endocrinologist on 09/02/08 (provided my insurance will cover it) and until then I’ve been taking steps to hopefully feel better.  Based on information I’ve found on-line and at the library I’m trying to make some adjustments to my diet that will keep my sugar levels more stable.  These include eating more fat and protein, eating more frequently and reducing caffeine (which compounds hypoglycemic symptoms) and artificial sweeteners (which increase cravings for sugars and may or may not cause the body to respond as it does to sugar even though none is actually present).

 

These are fairly difficult changes as I’m borderline phobic of fat and completely addicted to diet pop.  After completely giving up diet soda for a few months earlier this year I got hooked on it again while I was visiting my parents in New York last month (coincidently around the same time I started feeling wretched) and since then I’ve been drinking between three and five 20 ounce bottles of diet Sunkist and Dr. Pepper everyday.  Definitely not healthy (also fairly expensive).  I’ve completely cut that out, I haven’t had any diet soda in three days and the only caffeine I’m getting is from green tea.

 

I’ve felt well enough to go to work for the past two days.  I’ve had my moments of dizziness, clamminess, and nausea but I’ve managed.  As much as I complain about my job at the moment I’m fairly glad to be back.  Being sick at home the past few days has been very lonely and depressing for me.  I haven’t been able to really focus on anything—reading, writing, drawing, watching movies or downloaded episodes of BBC science fiction shows—so I’ve been mainly just lying in bed dozing on and off and obsessing over my various problems which I am at this point thoroughly sick of. 

I’ve got to be at the doctor at 9:00 a.m. (about an hour and ten minutes) for my second round of blood tests.  I’m a little nervous, not because I mind having blood drawn or am too worried about the results but because they’re testing fasting levels so I couldn’t have breakfast and the last time I had blood drawn when I hadn’t eaten I sort of passed out. 

Of course that was three or four years ago and I was about 10 pounds lighter so hopefully I’ll be okay today. 

 

I felt very poorly over the weekend and ended up calling in to work on both Saturday and Sunday.   I did go in Monday.  I had a morning shift and it’s so much easier to just get up and go to work.  Yesterday however I wasn’t scheduled to come in until 2:00 p.m. and by 11:00 a.m. I was back in bed and after I ate at noon I was having really bad chills so I ended up calling in again though in retrospective I think I probably could have made it through my shift if I’d pushed myself.  I feel bad about how much work I’m missing—6 days since I got back from New York.  I feel like I’m being too easy on myself and using the fact that I’m having these health problems as an excuse not to work.  Yet I really feel like a zombie most of the time. 

 

I told my parents what was going on.  Their reaction was mixed.  My mother has offered to help me out financially for which I am grateful (I’m not getting paid for the work I’m missing).  She’s also convinced that a) I have diabetes and b) I’d be fine if I’d just have a hard candy whenever my blood sugar gets low.  Logic and consistency was never Mum’s strong suite.  My father was pretty upset and sort of yelled at me because I’ve been dragging my eating disorder out for 15 years and for not really having anyone to look out for me (“you’ve been in Chicago for 5 years and you don’t know anybody-- what kind of a way is that to live?”).  I know it’s his way of being concerned but in all honesty it just makes me feel bad about myself. 

 

I can leave for my appointment in a few minutes.  God I’m hungry.  I usually eat breakfast as soon as I get up. 

I talked to my Doctor yesterday morning about my blood test.  Apparently two things are off.  My iron levels are low (though not to the point of being anemic) and hypoglycemic, my blood sugar is low.  The hypoglycemia is of especial cause for concern as I’d eaten only about an hour before the appointment and my sugar was still only 60 whereas a normal level would be 70 to 140.  I have to call the office Monday and make an appointment to have more blood drawn so they can run tests on insulin levels and the like.

Meanwhile, I looked up hypoglycemia on-line and found a list of symptoms: 

• Hunger or craving for sweets
• nervousness and shakiness
• perspiration
• dizziness or light-headedness
• tiredness, fatigue
• weakness
• confusion
• difficulty speaking
• feeling sleepy after meals
• headaches
• depression
• numbness or tingling in hands and feet
• mood swings, crying
• blurred or double vision
• nightmares/restless sleep
• feeling tired, irritable, or confused when you wake up

More or less a checklist of the way I felt at work yesterday so hypoglycemia could definitely be the problem.  I just hope it can be taken care of easily and that it isn’t linked to something more serious.  Most hypoglycemia can be treated with diet but the recommended diet doesn’t look so different than the way I eat now—small, frequent meals and avoiding refined sugars and simple carbohydrates that cause the body to overproduce insulin in favor of whole grains, fruit and vegetables that digest slower and keep blood sugar more stable.  If it’s not diet related that opens up the possibility of all sorts of weird glandular malfunctions I’d rather not deal with but I guess I’ll have to see what the tests show. 

I went to the doctor on Wednesday; I just really have not been feeling very well lately and I really can’t miss anymore work.  Most of my Economic Stimulus check has already gone towards offsetting sick days.   I missed work on Sunday in addition to July 22 and 23^rd.  I’m just tired all the time, also I have chills every time I eat and am having a God awful time concentrating (which is why I’ve hardly written anything in the past few weeks).

 

Always up for some self-diagnosis I did a scouting on-line and it looked as if my symptoms were consistent with low blood pressure (which is a possible side effect of the medication I’m on.)  At the exam, I found that my blood pressure is low, 100/64, but in the normal range.  Of course factors like dehydration could make it worse which may explain why I haven’t been feeling well since the summer heat really kicked in a couple weeks ago. 

 

My doctor is also doing some blood tests.  She left a message this morning saying the results are in.  I called back but she was busy.  The receptionist said she’d call me and I’m hoping I’ll hear from her before I leave for work in about 45 minutes.  I’m a little apprehensive.  I don’t want there to be anything wrong with me, but part of me actually hopes that the test show something off (nothing major of course) so I’ll have an excuse for feeling like I do and missing so much work and it won’t just be me being slack. 

My period started yesterday which goes a long way towards explaining why I’ve felt so lousy the past few days—tired, cold and basically hopeless as if every possibility was exhausted. 

 

It’s interesting, but I’ve been having difficulties with menstruation since I got my first period when I was thirteen.  Almost as if I’ve at odds with my own reproductive capacities.  When I was a teenager I’d have two week long periods with heavy bleeding and severe cramps.  It was a bit of a nightmare.  I’d get spots on my clothes which people pointed out with contemptuous disgust.  I remember once going to the nurse for a note to get out of gym class (swimming) and getting a lecture about how she couldn’t give every girl in the school a note every month.  Of course when I gave the note to the gym teacher (who it pains me to say was the living embodiment of every negative stereotype about female gym teachers) she demanded to know why I needed to be excused…. 

 

Despite all these physical problems, I didn’t really notice any psychological disturbances related to menstruation until I was in college.  At this point I was menstruating very irregularly, only two or three times a year, but my periods tended to last a week or more during which I’d become deeply depressed. 

 

Of course when I became anorexic at 23 all that pretty much went away.  Eating disorders serve a purpose and I think one of the functions of mine was that it eliminated the whole painful, messy business of my female biology.   For a few years I simply didn’t menstruate and for several more years I did so only because I was on the pill, I was still underweight was I wasn’t actually ovulating.  Within the last two years however, that’s changed and I’ve been having authentic menstrual cycles which unfortunately includes some low low lows. 

 

In this most recent case, I’m pretty sure that not taking proper care of myself over my vacation didn’t help things, plus I haven’t been taking evening primrose oil for a few weeks (I ran out and never bothered to get more despite the fact that I work in a health food store with a fully stocked supplement department).  I also need to keep track of when I get my period.  I don’t really have to worry about pregnancy because I’m sexually inactive so I tend to be a bit negligent about keeping track but it might be a good idea to start marking the calendar with the proverbial red x.  That way if I start feeling really bad about everything four to six weeks since my last period I’ll at least know it’s premenstrual and that it’s only going to last a few days.  I find it’s a whole lot easier to bear with depression when I know that it isn’t going to last forever. 

I ended up calling in to work yesterday and today which is pretty sad considering that I’ve only been back from vacation for two days.  I sort of knew I was going to do it yesterday.  When I saw the schedule on Sunday I really felt like there was no way I could go in for the All Store Meeting from 6:30 to 8:00 a.m. and then work a 12:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. shift.  Then today I was tired (I slept most of the morning) and having weird chills and didn’t want to deal with working. 

 

Exactly what is it I find work so difficult?  First there’s the sheer tediousness factor which I think everyone feels.  I of course add to that a whole level of various stresses—worries that I’ll displease a customer, that I’ll break one of the numerous rules, that I haven’t responded properly to a question, that I’m a failure, that I’m stupid, unfriendly, ugly and an all around miserable excuse for a human being.  Then there’s the level of physical discomfort and pain.  My legs and feet hurt from standing.  I grind my teeth when I’m anxious so I usually have a sore jaw and a low level headache that’s made worse by all the background noise and music.  Something with the air conditioning makes my sinuses feel very raw, almost peeled.  When I don’t eat properly I don’t really get hungry per say but I do get very, very tired and it’s an effort stay focused.  Of course when I do eat I feel really, really cold for the next hour. 

 

I’m sure it’s all psychosomatic or brought on myself.  I guess the question is why should I find my life so overwhelming that deliberately shut down like this?  Maybe because I’m unhappy with where I am and I know I can’t go back to living in my parent’s attic which means I’ll have to find something else to do, something new and different and unfamiliar the mere thought of which makes me want to give up already, curl up and disappear. 

Dear me.

 

I’ve always been very lucky in that I’m one of the few members of my family who doesn’t suffer from seasonal allergies on a regular basis.  However there must be something in bloom right now that’s getting to me because for the last couple of weeks I’ve been having sinus trouble and itchy, watery eyes.  These symptoms can be taken care of with a small dose of over the counter allergy medicine but unfortunately even the minimal dosage of these little pink pills more or less puts me to sleep. 

 

When I am awake, I’ve been very lethargic and my brain hasn’t quite been functioning.  Still, I’ve managed to make it to work.  My goal is to get through at least the next paycheck (which will be three weeks) without missing a day.  That doesn’t seem like a lot but I don’t think I’ve managed to do it since March.   

 

I’ve got some fairly exciting things coming up in the next few days.  Tomorrow night I’m going to a class on spiritual healing that one of my co-workers (teammates in official store lingo) is giving.  While I’m very skeptical about the actual benefits of healing of this sort, it’s a long standing interest of mine.  Once upon a time I actually practice Reiki however bitter little anti-heroine that I am I quickly became disillusioned by all the self-delusion, phoniness, faux piety and general human failings that tend to go hand in hand with any kind of spiritual practice.  Still, I remain fascinated by the idea of somehow being able to heal by magic or will.  In stories I’m often drawn to healers.  Leetha from Elfquest is an early instance of this, Eli Sunday the (most likely false) faith-healer in There Will Be Blood probably the most recent example. 

 

On Friday, my brother-in-law Dean is going to be singing at a piano bar in Wicker Park I think he used to sing in public fairly often when he and my sister were first going out but then he shifted his energies to making a CD the production of which has been dragging on for years.  The only time I’ve ever heard him sing was at the wedding when he and my sister got married which was in 2001.  The concert is a benefit for my nephew’s school and the tickets are $50 but since I’m family I’ll be able to get in free. 

 

Because Dean deals horror/monster movie memorabilia most people expect his musical tastes to run towards Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie but actually he doesn’t like that kind of music at all.  He prefers retro crooners and vocal standards.  Singers like Sinatra, Tom Jones, Dean Martin, Burt Bacharach, Jack Jones, and Andy Williams are his big inspiration. 

 

I wasn’t able to trade shifts on the day of the concert so I’ll have to go straight from work, which is a bit of a drag,  but it should be fun. 

I’ve managed to make myself ill, again.  This time it’s a combination of  things- an increase in my  new medication from 20 to 60 mg per day, having my period (which always makes me feel really tired) and a month of fairly rigorous dieting finally catching up with me.  

 

I haven’t mentioned the dieting because I knew it wasn’t something I should be doing, but I decided I really wanted to get back down to 140 pounds so I’d cut back from 1900 to 2000 calories a day to 1400 to 1500. 

 

Trying to lose weight always makes me feel good at first.  I’m a sneak.  I’ve always liked getting away with things and it feels like that’s what I’m doing, getting away with something by taking in less food than my body needs.  Unfortunately if I get away with 1450 calories in a day that becomes my new standard, the new norm and it becomes something I aspire to do everyday. 

 

And in all honesty, it really hasn’t been worth it.  I’ve been feeling progressively more run down over the past few weeks.  Yesterday I had a pounding headache and was so exhausted I ended up lying on my bed for most of the afternoon even though there was construction being done in my apartment and there were workers coming and going, sawing, arguing with their girlfriends on their cell phones, and making rude remarks about my kitty’s girth. 

 

Right now, I’m only dealing with the fact that I feel lousy.  On payday I will have to deal with the fact that I missed two and a half days of work and have absolutely no sick time incurred.  I can cover it with some of the money I got from my tax return but I’d much rather leave that in savings. 

 

I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to take care of myself.  I did mention this to my psychiatrist on Thursday and she says it’s because I have disordered thinking patterns around food and I need to 1.) Recognize them and 2.) Resist them.  As with most things I’m a lot better at dealing with extreme cases than day to day stuff.  For instance the case of the Master Cleanser Fast. 

 

This is that cleansing fast where you live on a drink made of distilled water and organic lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.  One of my co-workers at the market was doing this and I got really interested.  I was asking questions, looking information up on the web, earnestly absorbing testimony on how horrible it is that people are so addicted to eating (breathing too) and of course thinking of trying it myself.  In this situation, I was able to see that while cleansing fasts probably do have their benefits for most people it would be a dangerous thing for someone with my history of eating disorders to get into and dropped the idea of trying it.  However when faced with a less extreme situation, attempting to lose five pounds, I can justify it to myself as normal or even desirable behavior and give in to the compulsion. 

 

Someday I’m going to work this all out. 

 

Several years ago when it first came out, I bought a copy of the Tori Amos album The Beekeeper but never really connected with it.  Recently however I’ve been listening to it quite a bit.  The song “Parasol” sort of reminds me of where I am with this, where I’ve been for a very long time…

 

“When I come to terms with this when I come to terms with this when I come to terms with this my world will change for me.”. 

The weather here in Chicago has been bouncing back and forth between wintry and spring like over the past couple of weeks with each new front being ushered in by heavy winds.  I think I must be affected by barometric pressure because I’ve been very lethargic recently, taking naps during the day and not doing much beyond dragging myself to work and watching a whole lot of DVDs.  

 

Maybe in an attempt to remedy this I’ve made a couple health related decisions recently.  First I’ve gone off the pill.  I initially went on it in January in hopes that it might lessen my pre-menstrual depression however something is amiss and during the three months I’ve been taking it I’ve had my period five times.  So I’m still having the pre-menstrual depression, just every two weeks instead of every six. 

 

Also I’ve stopped drinking diet soda.  Again.  I got hooked on diet soda circa 1994 and have alternated between periods of abstinence (several of which were a year or more in length) and periods of massive consumption (three to four 20 ounce bottles a day, a liter over the course of an evening).  When I started working at whole foods back in September of 2006 their “no artificial sweeteners” policy inspired me to cut out diet pop and I managed to avoid it completely until December of 2007 when I started up again at my usual excessive levels which was a big mistake. 

 

Drinking diet soda not only makes me feel like I’m freezing cold from the inside out it increases my appetite, which is already pretty substantial to begin with.   Even though I’m at a normal weight and I’ve been eating nearly 2000 calories a day I still feel really hungry sometimes and I expect that has to do with drinking diet soda.  I really think the taste of sugar that isn’t really there makes your body want calories.  In addition to the screwed-up physical things it does when I drink diet soda I tend to go into a weird obsessive compulsive mode and treat it in the same way an alcoholic might treat liquor—that is to say I spend an inordinate amount of time planning and working out things so that I will have access to diet soda at all times (caffeinated for during the day, non-caffeinated for evenings), stocking up for the next day, and going out of my way to get certain flavors I’m fixated on (Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper is to me the holy grail of diet pop.  The only place I’ve ever seen it in 20 ounce bottles is at CVS at Chicago and Western).  It’s actually quite a load off my mind not to have to be doing all this extra worrying and plotting. 

I went to the doctor yesterday.

It was shall we say frustrating.

He didn’t have anything very helpful to say on either my physical or mental condition. Just that I should rest and drink fluids for the next few days for my cold and see a psychologist for my depression.

In an effort to follow his recommendations regarding my cold (and not wanting to risk a repeat of Sunday) I didn’t go into work today. I figure I'm already going to have to dip into my savings for expenses so I might as well fully recover and not push myself. I’m not scheduled to work Wednesday or Thursday and I’m desperately hoping that by Friday I’ll be fit to return to work.

Today I’ve made a conscious effort not to work out (which I’ve been doing all along despite my cold) and am a bit freaked out over that. I am also extremely tired; I’ve been napping on and off most of the day. My rotten kitty wakes me up when he feels I need to pay him some attention by delicately swatting me in the face.

I double checked my insurance and confirmed that my mental health benefits are indeed non-existent. This means I’ll have to try and find a psychologist who will see me on sliding scale. I made inquiries about city mental health facilities but they’re all closed today because it’s Lincoln’s birthday. Rather ironic given that he was a depressive himself. Well, tomorrow…

My wonderful mental health coverage

So going back to work didn’t quite work out as I’d hoped. 

I went in for my 8:45 a.m. shift.  I felt a little foggy but more or less all right then at about eleven I suddenly felt really sick, like I was about to pass out.  I hate to say it but I’ve been in this situation often enough to recognize what’s happening so I immediately closed down my register (thank goodness no one was in line) and went and sat with my head between my knees in the café area.  I was really a mess, having cold sweats, shaking, and dizzy.  When I felt a little better I was helped up to the break room and the floor supervisor called my sister and my brother-in-law come and took me home.

Since then I’ve felt all right, though I haven’t exactly been exerting myself.  I had a headache for a while but nothing serious.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do about tomorrow.  I’m scheduled for a long mid-shift, I’m not sure if I should take it on but I’m acutely aware that I’ve been off sick since last Tuesday.  At the very least I have to get my car, which was left at the market… my sister can give me a ride for that thank goodness so I don’t have to take the bus.  The temperature outside has gone way down to around zero today. 

I managed to drag myself out this morning to get some groceries, including some gel-caps that seem to work better than the generic brand Sudafed I’d been taking. I’m not feeling dizzy or in pain anymore but my nose is still running like water. I don’t know what I’m going to day about work tomorrow. I’m scheduled for a long mid-shift, not sure if I’m going to be up to it.

Yesterday I called Fabrizio, who coordinates paid time off and insurance at the Market. He says that if I get a note from my doctor saying that my absences have to do with my medical condition he might be able to take off some of the points I’ve built up. I talked to my doctor today and she’s going to mail a letter. I feel kind of guilty about doing this, like I’m getting away with something but I really think that my chronic depression and eating disorder have really contributed to my recent health problems. Also I’m not getting anything out of it. I still won’t be paid for the time I’ve missed I just won’t be penalized for it which will be done less thing for me to worry about.

I watched Sleepy Hollow last night. Christopher Walken as the Hessian is so terrifying yet sexy… those filed teeth… though the image that struck me the most was the two white blonde little girls he comes upon in the forest one of whom grows up to become a shabby woodland witch, the other Miranda Richardson’s ornate and murderous lady of the manor. They rather reminded me of the dark haired sisters, DJ and Azkadellia in the Wizard of Oz revision Tin Man I watched last month. Two sisters who stumble upon something evil and because of it go in opposite ways. I sometimes feel as if my sister and I are something like that. She managed to fight her way out of whatever darkness possessed us but I’m still living in it.

I continue to be sick.  Again.  Last time was the flu, this time it’s a pretty bad cold including a hacking cough that makes it sound like I’m about to throw up.  Truly lovely.  Even though I’m sick I’ve still managed to pick up a couple hours work at Biff’s office today and yesterday.  The other woman who works there part time has pneumonia so I’m comparatively healthy. 

 

I’m trying to work at Biff’s as much as I can because I’m completely out of paid time off at the market which means that I’m not earning any income for the days I miss work (Tuesday, and tomorrow at least.)  I’ll probably have to dip into my savings which I always hate to do.  Of course it doesn’t help that recently in a fit of self-indulgence I bought myself a bunch of DVDs—Eastern Promises (gratuitous violence! homoerotic subtext!), Stardust (Mark Strong!), Danny Boyle’s Sunshine (more Mark Strong!  Philosophical inquiry into the meaning of existence!  Cillian Murphy’s cheekbones!), and the anime collections for Magic Knight Rayearth I (Clamp cuteness!) and Simoun (cuteness and genderfuck!  It’s set on a planet where everyone is female till they turn 17 when they choose their sex). 

 

I will say in my defense that I got all of these used on e-bay so even though I spent too much I could have spent a whole lot more.  I tend to think this way far too often.  For instance when grocery shopping I recently shelled out $11 on a big, big bag of Pacific Rose Apples (which are the yummiest) and justified it by thinking that  compared to the people I see at the market who spend $112 on a cut of meat it really wasn’t that  extravagant. 

 

This afternoon I watched Lost in Translation.  I saw it in the theater when it first came out but I’ve wanted to watch it again based on a conversation I had with this guy I went out with a couple times over the summer (known as the Guy in the Ethyl Meatplow t-shirt).   We were talking about movies at one point and I mentioned that I liked Sophia Coppola’s films.  He was said that as an Asian (he was Filipino, born in the Philippines but raised in America) he’d found Lost in Translation really offensive and stereotypical.  I didn’t remember any of this, but it had been about four years since I’d actually seen the film so I thought if I ever watched it again I’d keep an eye out. 

 

Watching it again I still really didn’t see anything that I would consider offensive.  I can almost see how scenes like the one with the “tear my stockings” woman border on derogatory stereotypes but to me the humor saves it.  Bill Murphy’s character is sort of rude sometimes but it seems to ring true for the character and you get the feeling he’d be just as snide in any setting. 

 

Yet as I write this I realize I’m using the same excuses that people give me when I’m offended by sexism in a book or a film.  It’s just part of the story, it’s the character, it’s meant to be funny.  This sort of bothers me.  Is there something there that I’m unable to see from my vantage point of white privilege?    Does everyone wear their own pair of blinders that shuts out what doesn’t apply to them? 

I was home sick again today.  This absence brings me 4 and a half points out of a possible 6 (you get fired at 6 points) but I just felt really bad.  It’s a combination of things.  I started the pill last month and because of some hormonal quirk I’ve had my period for the last 10 days, plus the beginnings of a cold, plus the 5+ pounds I managed to lose since November and working long mid-shifts all weekend.  Everything just added up and yesterday I could barely drag myself through the day.

Today I didn’t do anything—I didn’t vote which I feel awful about, I didn’t work out, I pretty much just lay in bed and re-read Marjane Satrapi’s Persepolis graphic novels.  I’d gone to see the film adaptation (which is wonderful--truly beautiful animation) last week and really wanted to read the books again. 

Marjane Satrapi is three years older than me, my sister’s age, born in 1969, and I’m amazed by the way our lives have been similar despite the vast differences.  She speaks of being an Iranian in Europe and a Westerner in Iran and that’s very similar to how I’ve always felt, carrying the baggage of my repressive upbringing with me even when I’m in an environment with very different standards while also feeling out of place amidst my family and in the place that’s supposed to be my home.  The way I live now sort of reminds me of the periods of self-imposed isolation Satrapi goes through when she’s living in Austria as a teenager and the depression she suffers when returning to Iran. 

I seem to be recovered from my flu and will be returning to work tomorrow after a long absence (I had to leave work early on Saturday, was home sick Sunday and Monday and I was scheduled off for today). Maybe it’s just being tired and still a little sick but I don’t want to go back, I never want to go back.

I don’t want to deal with people. I remember Saturday before I left there was a lady who was so horrible. She was wearing a real fur coat which I admit I automatically hold against people and she ordered me to stop the automatic belt before she would put her groceries down. Then she spilled lentils all over the place and acted very annoyed, snapped at another woman’s little girl upsetting the mother and finally after the order was done came back and informed me that I’d rung something up in error and acted indignant when I explained that she’d have to take it to customer service. Part of me really doesn’t want to go back tomorrow or ever.

On the other hand I am getting a little restless stuck in my apartment wrapped up in blankets.

During the course of my illness I finished reading Vanity Fair and read the whole of Scott Westerfeld’s Uglies, finished watching Rose of Versailles and started on Princess Tutu, watched the first two episodes of the Sarah Connor Chronicles, three episodes of I, Claudius and listened numerous times to Sweeney Todd, both the movie soundtrack and the original stage version with Angela Lansbury.

This morning I worked at Biff’s office for a few hours and it was sort of a relief to be doing something and actually interacting with another person again so maybe it won’t be so bad going back. Of course I was nearly in tears as a result of interacting with Biff because there were some complications with the schedule and I might not get as many hours as I need which means less money....

I saw the reports of Heath Ledger’s death earlier this evening.  I’ve always though he was very talented.  I’d just watched A Knights Tale a couple months ago and even though it’s not the sort of film I usually enjoy it really was delightful and to me Ledger’s character Ennis in Brokeback Mountain is one of the most compelling, true portraits of stoic, emotionally suppressed masculinity ever captured on film.  As a lifelong Batman fan I was fascinated by the smudged, grotesque images that were recently released of Ledger as the Joker in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming Dark Knight film.  Very horrifying and exciting, really promising to draw the blood out of the familiar mythos…  It really seemed like it would be a significant role, then suddenly it’s all over.  Just very abrupt and final.  Shocking but also frightening, sobering in a way. 

No one knows if it was suicide or a stupid accident but people can die from both these things.  People can die from mental illness or misusing medication.  If someone who has a child and a measure of success can die like that I certainly could.  I don’t consider myself a suicide risk at all but I’ve been playing fast and loose with my health for years and part of me has always believed I can, because I’m still at the beginning of the story, I have too much untapped potential, too much left to do.  Only there’s no rule that says you get to fulfill your promise. 

I saw the reports of Heath Ledger’s death earlier this evening.  I’ve always though he was very talented.  I’d just watched A Knights Tale a couple months ago and even though it’s not the sort of film I usually enjoy it really was delightful and to me Ledger’s character Ennis in Brokeback Mountain is one of the most compelling, true portraits of stoic, emotionally suppressed masculinity ever captured on film.  As a lifelong Batman fan I was fascinated by the smudged, grotesque images that were recently released of Ledger as the Joker in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming Dark Knight film.  Very horrifying and exciting, really promising to draw the blood out of the familiar mythos…  It really seemed like it would be a significant role, then suddenly it’s all over.  Just very abrupt and final.  Shocking but also frightening, sobering in a way. 

No one knows if it was suicide or a stupid accident but people can die from both these things.  People can die from mental illness or misusing medication.  If someone who has a child and a measure of success can die like that I certainly could.  I don’t consider myself a suicide risk at all but I’ve been playing fast and loose with my health for years and part of me has always believed I can, because I’m still at the beginning of the story, I have too much untapped potential, too much left to do.  Only there’s no rule that says you get to fulfill your promise.  No rules at all to this business of living and dying.

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy Birthday.

 

God damn its cold out there-- Cold as in zero degrees with a wind chill factor of minus 20.  This morning when I was getting up I could hear someone’s car not starting out on the street.  Luckily the new battery came through and my car started with no trouble when it was time to go to work. 

 

Unfortunately there are lots of things that can go wrong besides cars.  When I got to work I felt really cold inside, to the point where I was shivering even in the cash up room (which is windowless and always around 90 degrees).  I was also dizzy and it was really hard for me to do simple things like bagging groceries, I just didn’t have the coordination.  I thought I’d get better after I ate lunch but I got worse so finally I had to ask to go home even though it brings me another point closer to termination.  I went home and went right to bed even though it was only 4:00 p.m. 

 

Apparently I’ve gotten some sort of flu for my Birthday.  Not exactly how I’d chose to spend the day….

 

Even when I’m not sick I rarely feel very good and I know this last a lot to do with my diet.  Over the past couple of days I’ve been taking a look at my eating habits with the help of a site called thedailyplate.com.  Using it I’ve discovered several things about how I eat—

 

My daily caloric intake is between 100 and 300 calories less than the recommended daily intake for someone my size who is trying to lose 1 lb per week. 

 

I eat too many fruits and vegetables. 

 

My diet shows a disproportionate amount of both carbohydrates and protein and not enough fat.  About a third of your calories are supposed to come from fat but I’ve only been eating between 11% and 14% per day. 

 

As with anything I touch there’s the possibility that thedailyplate.com will become my newest obsessive-compulsive type thing but for now it seems like a useful tool.  It really helps me to see these things charted out on the site and I’ve been able to make some improvements—today for instance I was able to get my fat calories were up to 18% despite all my other problems (I’m having chills, body ache, and headache but thankfully no upset stomach). 

I’m feeling better.  I didn’t have work Tuesday so I worked on some of my Christmas art projects, then last night I managed to get through a closing shift without a crying jag or room spins for the first time since last Friday.

 

I pretty sure the efforts I’ve been making over the past month to get my weight back down have contributed to my recent difficulties.  I wasn’t exactly stable and well adjusted when I was eating 300 more calories a day, but I wasn’t quite so fragile.  I really have to ask myself, what’s more important to me?  Living my life and functioning or being thinner? 

 

There have been some difficulties in the past few days.  I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before I’m not going to my parents in New York over Christmas, I can’t because of work (there’s an official Time Off Blackout until 2008).  My sister and her family will be going to New York, so I will be alone on Christmas.  This doesn’t particularly bother me because between the food, the alcohol and the socializing holiday gatherings are mainly a source of anxiety and stress for me.  Also traveling around Christmas is a nightmare, especially when you toss in two small children and the biggest airport in the country. 

 

Basically I’m fine with not doing anything for Christmas.  I’m off work, I’ll go see Sweeny Todd or Youth Without Youth (first real starring role Tim Roth has had since I fell for him back in 2002).  I’ll work on the Christmas presents I’m making for my sisters and the kids.  I’ll write lesbian porn.  I’m very good at amusing myself. 

 

Unfortunately my family in New York is convinced that I’ll be thoroughly miserable, depressed and lonely.  My grandmother has written about how much she wishes I could be there for Christmas and how she hopes it won’t be too terrible for me staying in Chicago.  My mother has called repeatedly urging me to quit my job so I can come home for Christmas.  On Tuesday my father actually suggested it as well and he’s usually an advocate of responsibility and sticking things out.  I can tell he was really upset that I wouldn’t be able to be there and when he gets upset it upsets me.  My father isn’t an emotional person so when he does express his feelings it makes an impression. 

 

I think part of the reason my family in New York feels so strongly about this is that my Grandmother’s sister, my maternal Great Aunt, died last week in a sort of unpleasant way.  She was 93 years old and lived in Florida.  Basically decided she didn’t want to live anymore so she just stopped eating and drinking and died.  Given my history with eating disorders I suspect my family sees a certain parallel between her death and my constant struggle between whether I want a decent life or to be really, really thin. 

 

I wish there was some way where they could be happy and I could be happy.  Me being away upsets them but going back to New York would make me totally miserable.  As my brother-in-law so eloquently phrased it in a recent e-mail if I returned there would be “absolutely NO chance of advancing your career, finding anyone with teeth and not living with their parents for a relationship (or even a one night stand), no movies with a budget under 50 million dollars to see at the theatre, no lesbos....”  I might not have a blossoming career or girl/boy or girl/girl action at the moment but Chicago’s a big, bustling place and there are lot’s of possibilities.  Not to mention good movies. 

After my quasi-meltdown a few days ago I’m feeling a bit better.  Not good mind you but better.  I think I was rather ill and that had a lot to do with my level of despondency.  I had a long shift on Saturday (9:15 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.) and felt completely ill the entire time.  When I got home I ate dinner, took a shower and slept from 8:00 p.m. till I got up for work at 6:30 a.m.   I felt a bit better yesterday, though I did fuck up and have a $20 difference in my drawer.  It’s sort of a bind—I get written up if I take off sick too often and I get written up if I come in when I’m sick and can’t focus and make mistakes. 

 

Well, basically it comes down to this—if I’m dissatisfied I have to find another job and the only way to do that is to look through listings and send out resumes and go to interviews even though I feel like I can’t and I’d rather not.  It always comes down to that, me doing something.  I keep hoping someone will take care of things for me but it just doesn’t work that way but maybe that’s for the best.  I’d happily curl up and let things be handled for me if I could but there’s a price for security and safety.  Every time you let someone take responsibility out of your hands you give them that much more power over you, whether it’s my mother or the Bush administration.  In the long run it’s better to be anxious and uncertain.  It makes you stronger and braver.  I guess if you want freedom sometimes you have to put up with the drudge work. 

 

Though I must say I’m rather appalled by how few jobs there seem to be right now.  Looking over the Chicago Reader it seems like there were a fraction of the positions being advertised when I was looking two years ago.  Come to think about it I seem to find myself in crisis mode every December.  Two years ago it was work related-- I was working full time at Biff’s then and right after Thanksgiving he informed me I was going to be let go at the beginning of the new year (2006).  I wound up being able to stay on until mid August, 2006.  Last year it was vehicular, my stupid car kept breaking down with gave me a fine excuse for drinking to excess at my sister’s Christmas party and again on Christmas day. 

 

Well, none of that this year though I have to admit it’s a big temptation.  All those lovely bottles of wine that go past me in the market…. It’s so easy to think “everyone drinks, why shouldn’t I be able to.”  However I’ve managed to keep in mind that as bad as I feel now, mentally and physically I will feel many, many times worse after one of my binges. 

Yesterday was sort of a disaster. 

 

In the morning I managed to lock myself out of my apartment.  I don’t have a cell phone but luckily my downstairs neighbor was home so he let me use his to call the landlord.  Unfortunately the landlord wasn’t home so I left a message and then because I didn’t want my poor neighbor to have to deal with an uninvited guest hanging around in his apartment for however long I went outside to wait in the unheated stairwell.

 

It turned out our landlord was downtown so it was almost two hours before he was able to come and let me back into my apartment so during that time I just sort of sat in the cold and was very, very anxious about whether he would get the message and come and how I would get back into my apartment if he didn’t come and how long I should wait and why I was so stupid I’d locked myself out of my apartment in the first place. 

 

By the time I did get back into my apartment I was completely drained, just totally exhausted.  I went to work at 3:00 p.m. but I was really having a hard time.  I was dizzy and having chills and my whole body ached.  I don’t know if it was stress or from sitting in the cold for two hours.  I ended up going home at 4:30 p.m. which is not good.  I just called in the Monday after Thanksgiving because I had to get my car repaired and they’re going to be counting absences against you for 6 months instead of 3 months meaning that I’m probably going to get written up for this absence and if I have two more within the next 6 months I’ll be terminated.

 

Which frankly doesn’t sound all that bad at this point.

 

Why is it so hard for me to be a cashier at a grocery store?  It just seems to difficult and tiring.  I was off today and I went to see I’m Not There the Todd Haynes film about Bob Dylan.  There’s a scene where an obviously exhausted, strung-out Dylan (played by Cate Blanchett and if I may say so Cate Blanchett as a young Bobby Dylan is about 200 times sexier than the actual young Bobby Dylan ever hoped to be) is going over a contract and finds out he has to do 86 more shows and he wails “I can’t do 86 more shows” and preposterous as it is I identified completely because I really feel like I can’t go into work five days for the next 6 months.

 

My options are—

 

Give notice at the market and start looking for an office job, live off my savings and any money I can leech from the parents.  If I haven’t gotten another job by February (when my lease runs out) go back to Upstate New York in defeat and humiliation to the great joy of my mother.

 

Don’t give notice at the market.  Keep going in hoping I’ll feel better tomorrow, next week, next month.  Hope that nothing happens (car problems, getting locked out of my apartment) because I don’t seem to be able to deal with things happening.  Apply for jobs hoping someone will actually give me an interview or hire me even though I’m ugly, stupid, lazy, and have no personality.

 

Just thinking about it is making me really, really want to go to bed and it’s only 9:12 p.m.