bitterfig

First, congratulations to ozma914 on becoming a grandfather x2 (twins).

 

His post reminded me that I’d neglected to mention a rather important tidbit of news—on 06/13/08 my pervious employer Biff and his partner Jorge became the father’s of a little boy.

 

While part of me had hoped that Biff would completely lose it and name the infant something wildly inappropriate like Tardis however apparently sanity prevailed and the boy’s name is Julian.

 

Friday the 13^th Baby: Young Julian contemplates existence. 

 

It’s funny, but on an abstract and grandiose level I can’t help but equating Julian’s birth to two daddies with the recent legalization of gay marriage in California, almost as if the two events show—one on a personal and one on a public level-- the legitimacy of love and family that goes beyond the traditional definition. 

 

 I have to admit it’s been a long time since I’ve felt optimistic and hopeful about the capacity of the American people to accept and include.  The past decade or so seems to have been a downward slide into intolerance and polarization.  I think the approaching end of the Bush presidency and the possibility that Barack Obama could replace him has done a lot to brighten my outlook. 

 

I don’t talk about politics a lot (because if you haven’t noticed I’m kind of self obsessed) but I am behind Obama in the current campaign.  He’s from Chicago, which makes it really exciting that he might be president but it’s more than that.  I actually believe in him.  I believe he’s real and decent and has the nation’s best interest at heart as opposed to his own (something I’ve never believed about Hillary Clinton). 

 

While I’ve always had a great deal of respect for John McCain as a veteran, a former P.O.W. and as someone who has always bucked the system and gone against the party line he’s really disappointed me in this campaign by allying himself with religious extremists such John Hagee (known for the notorious statement that Hurricane Katrina occurred because God was displeased with an upcoming Pride Parade), taking an anti-diplomatic stance in international affairs, and for his support of using continued military action to deal with the situation in Iraq.  It just seems to me that someone like McCain should know how destructive and fruitless war can be.  About a year ago I had hopes that he would be at the forefront of finding a better way but apparently that isn’t going to be happening. 

 A poster of Obama by Shepard Fairey.

I saw my brother and his wife on Wednesday- our sister had everyone over for dinner at her place.  It was really good to see them again.  They’re fun to be around; unlike me (and my sister to a lesser degree) they don’t seem to devote most of their time to being REALLY ANXIOUS.  My brother is so easy going and self-assured sometimes it seems impossible to believe we come from the same household. 

 

I think part of it might be that he figured out early what he wanted to do with his life (be a lawyer and make a shitload of money) and worked towards it with a single-minded focus from a fairly early age.  I on the other hand have always know I wanted to be an artist and writer but have gone about it in a completely half-assed way never feeling that it was a legitimate career to pursue and that to make a living I’d have to do something else.  Ironically I am barely making a living whereas if I’d gone after I interests with more conviction I might be doing something I enjoy much more than working as a supermarket casher and making more money. 

 

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to my siblings but its difficult not to.  I do feel like I’ve accomplished so little compared to both my brother and sister who are in stable relationships, financially well off and reasonably happy.  Whereas I seem to have such a hard time with basic stuff.  A very good illustration of this was the dinner itself.  They were both comfortable enough with themselves that they could eat Indian food and drink wine whereas I did neither.  I ate before I came so I could control my calorie intake and drinking is not an option for me because once I start I can’t really stop.

 

Not that the evening was unpleasant in anyway.  A great deal of interesting stuff talked about. 

 

My sister-in-law is working on a master’s thesis in interior design on vintage art-deco hotels in Miami, Florida which sounds absolutely fascinating.  I’d love to see some of the places she was talking about.  She says that the furnishings weren’t always as far out as the architecture however and sometimes would be down right Victorian as if to reassure the people who stayed there that it wasn’t such a far out establishment. 

 

She and my brother also go to Disney World at least once a year as do my sister and her family so they talked about it quite a bit.  I’ve never been and would probably hate it if I did go (being 0% fun) but in theory all sounds very exotic to me, all the internationally themed restaurants and crazy pirate and Haunted Mansion stuff. 

 

Politics of course came up as they’re bound to.  My brother and sister-in-law live in Washington DC and they were at National Park when George W. Bush threw out the first pitch and was booed by the crowd.  They’d seen him throw out the first pitch of the season a couple years ago (2005 I believe).  My sister-in-law had stood up and turned her back on him and she said she got quite a bit of flack from it from people in the crowd but that when she did it this time nobody said a word.  “Even guys who look like me we booing him,” my brother (who is very corporate/conservative looking) said.  So apparently there’s not a lot of love for President Bush anywhere these days. 

 

My sister had heard about the incident and actually had a discussion about it with one of the other mothers at my nephew’s school.  The other mother said it was wrong to boo the president and that people needed to show respect for the office even if they didn’t like the person in it.  My sister disagreed with this as there have been countless examples of people in positions of authority- Hitler being the example she gave- who have done horrible things and should not have been respected simply because they had a title or occupied a high position. 

 

This sort of reminded me of one of the many themes in Herman Melville’s Billy Budd, which I was reading at the time.  The idea that Billy is essentially innocent but has to be punished by death because that is the law and the law is the decree of the King (Billy Budd is set in the British navy) and therefore must be observed to the letter.  This is the argument put out by Captain Vere.  Melville portrays Vere sympathetically but I don’t think he intended it to be lost on the reader that the same King who’s decree Vere is set on upholding is the same King that his countrymen revolted against in the American Revolution and that Billy Budd is ultimately a tragedy because law wins out over morality.

I seem to be recovered from my flu and will be returning to work tomorrow after a long absence (I had to leave work early on Saturday, was home sick Sunday and Monday and I was scheduled off for today). Maybe it’s just being tired and still a little sick but I don’t want to go back, I never want to go back.

I don’t want to deal with people. I remember Saturday before I left there was a lady who was so horrible. She was wearing a real fur coat which I admit I automatically hold against people and she ordered me to stop the automatic belt before she would put her groceries down. Then she spilled lentils all over the place and acted very annoyed, snapped at another woman’s little girl upsetting the mother and finally after the order was done came back and informed me that I’d rung something up in error and acted indignant when I explained that she’d have to take it to customer service. Part of me really doesn’t want to go back tomorrow or ever.

On the other hand I am getting a little restless stuck in my apartment wrapped up in blankets.

During the course of my illness I finished reading Vanity Fair and read the whole of Scott Westerfeld’s Uglies, finished watching Rose of Versailles and started on Princess Tutu, watched the first two episodes of the Sarah Connor Chronicles, three episodes of I, Claudius and listened numerous times to Sweeney Todd, both the movie soundtrack and the original stage version with Angela Lansbury.

This morning I worked at Biff’s office for a few hours and it was sort of a relief to be doing something and actually interacting with another person again so maybe it won’t be so bad going back. Of course I was nearly in tears as a result of interacting with Biff because there were some complications with the schedule and I might not get as many hours as I need which means less money....

I saw the reports of Heath Ledger’s death earlier this evening.  I’ve always though he was very talented.  I’d just watched A Knights Tale a couple months ago and even though it’s not the sort of film I usually enjoy it really was delightful and to me Ledger’s character Ennis in Brokeback Mountain is one of the most compelling, true portraits of stoic, emotionally suppressed masculinity ever captured on film.  As a lifelong Batman fan I was fascinated by the smudged, grotesque images that were recently released of Ledger as the Joker in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming Dark Knight film.  Very horrifying and exciting, really promising to draw the blood out of the familiar mythos…  It really seemed like it would be a significant role, then suddenly it’s all over.  Just very abrupt and final.  Shocking but also frightening, sobering in a way. 

No one knows if it was suicide or a stupid accident but people can die from both these things.  People can die from mental illness or misusing medication.  If someone who has a child and a measure of success can die like that I certainly could.  I don’t consider myself a suicide risk at all but I’ve been playing fast and loose with my health for years and part of me has always believed I can, because I’m still at the beginning of the story, I have too much untapped potential, too much left to do.  Only there’s no rule that says you get to fulfill your promise. 

I saw the reports of Heath Ledger’s death earlier this evening.  I’ve always though he was very talented.  I’d just watched A Knights Tale a couple months ago and even though it’s not the sort of film I usually enjoy it really was delightful and to me Ledger’s character Ennis in Brokeback Mountain is one of the most compelling, true portraits of stoic, emotionally suppressed masculinity ever captured on film.  As a lifelong Batman fan I was fascinated by the smudged, grotesque images that were recently released of Ledger as the Joker in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming Dark Knight film.  Very horrifying and exciting, really promising to draw the blood out of the familiar mythos…  It really seemed like it would be a significant role, then suddenly it’s all over.  Just very abrupt and final.  Shocking but also frightening, sobering in a way. 

No one knows if it was suicide or a stupid accident but people can die from both these things.  People can die from mental illness or misusing medication.  If someone who has a child and a measure of success can die like that I certainly could.  I don’t consider myself a suicide risk at all but I’ve been playing fast and loose with my health for years and part of me has always believed I can, because I’m still at the beginning of the story, I have too much untapped potential, too much left to do.  Only there’s no rule that says you get to fulfill your promise.  No rules at all to this business of living and dying.