bitterfig

Thursday was my day off and also the first day of Terminus, a huge ass international Harry Potter Fan Convention that just happened to be taking place in my home city of Chicago. 

 

An on-line friend pointed me to a website of informal meet-ups that were being held and I ventured out to a couple of them.  The S.P.E.W. Intersection (named for Hermione Granger’s society to emancipate House Elves) was for vegetarian/vegans and people interested in raising social consciousness.  We met at Kramer’s, a health food store in the Loop with a café area (though sadly no bathroom).  About 10 people came, a diverse group including a woman from Canada, a couple from San Francisco, and a mother and her teenaged daughter from outside of Syracuse, New York.   

 

It was a lot of fun.  My toehold is Harry Potter fandom is writing fan fiction but most of the others were into Wizard Rock so it was pretty neat to learn a little about that whole phenomena which I know almost nothing about.  I talked quite a bit to the guy from the San Fran couple—he had a background in hardcore music and had gotten into Harry Potter and Wizard Rock through his girlfriend.  He seemed to find it a relief after the drugs and violence in the hardcore scene.  We got to talking about vegetarianism and it turned out that he was originally from the Philippines.  When he was growing up his family had raised pigs and chickens for food and he’d actually participated in the butchering.  I thought it was interesting that rather than hardening him to animals this first-hand with the violence inherent in meat eating eventually made him receptive to vegetarianism. 

 

The teenaged girl wasn’t really participating in the conversation (I think she was busy being mortified by her mother who was describing how she converted to vegetarianism after reading the life changing book Skinny Bitch) so I asked her what Wizard Rock bands she liked and would recommend and that sort of drew her out a bit.  In a way, that interaction put me in mind of my very back burner goal of teaching.  It’s something I periodically toy with then dismiss.   After all, how could I handle a classroom of teenagers?  It’s all I can do not to start crying when a customer gets irked because the pomegranate kefir is ringing up at the wrong price.  Yet I feel like I have an affinity with teenagers.   And I enjoy talking with them, finding out what they’re into and what’s important to them which I think is usually appreciated as a lot of people tend to dismiss their interests. 

 

After the S.P.E.W Intersection I went to another meet-up.  This one was called Siriusly Snaped and it was for the slash pairing of Sirius Black/Severus Snape and was more focused on fan fiction and art.  It was really neat to meet other writers and artists whose work I’d seen on-line.  I’ve never been to any kind of convention or fan meet-up before and have only ever tentatively broached the subject of my fan writing with people I know in real life a couple of times (“By the way, I write gay porn about fictitious characters for fun!”) and I think most of them are pretty baffled so it was really fun to be able to talk about slash and writing fan fiction with people who not only knew what it was but enjoyed it. 

 

So basically I rode the El into unfamiliar territory and spent about several hours meeting and talking to new people; all and all not a bad day for someone with a touch of social anxiety. 

Tomorrow I fly to New York and despite my considerable trepidation I am rather looking forward to having some time off.  Between work, and my burgeoning (and occasionally bludgeoning) efforts to increase my social interaction I’ve been pretty busy lately and am getting pretty worn out. 

 

During the past couple of days I put in two late nights, staying out until 1:00 and 1:30 a.m.   Monday night I hung out with Tycho after work.  He’s going to be out of town for a couple weeks and I’d really wanted to see him again before he left.  On Wednesday I ended up spending a couple of hours at an impromptu party of Whole Foods employees on the roof of the parking garage.  I didn’t drink anything because I was driving and also exhausted from work and mainly because by the time you get to be 36 years old getting drunk on the roof of a parking garage has severely limited appeal however I talked to a couple people I know by sight from around the store but have never really had a conversation with, sort of expanded my horizons a bit. 

 

The reason for the impromptu Wednesday night party in the parking garage roof was that everyone needed to do some serious decompression after a particularly hellish day at work.  I work at the Lakeview Whole Foods and that afternoon the Lincoln Park Whole Foods which is a couple of miles away was closed down on account of health code violations.  Or as the tenants used to say when I worked in the property management office “Mices!”   

 

The closing of the Lincoln Park Store resulted in an inundation of customers from that store (which sort of baffled me—I don’t mean to question the loyalty of our customers but I’d go to the nearby Trader Joes or Stanley’s Produce Market or even Jewel or Dominiques which are on the way before I’d haul all the way from the Lincoln Park store to Lakeview store in rush hour traffic) and a frenzy of panic cleaning least our store too be inspected and found wanting.  I lucked out on the cleaning end as I’m in a department that does not actually handle food.  “Deep-cleaning” the registers only took about half an hour longer than the usual closing routine however people in other departments like Prepared Foods and Seafood were running an hour and a half to two hours over the usual time they finish. 

 

Lincoln Park finally re-opened on Saturday afternoon but Friday was extra busy with a lot of indignation over the closing.  “What an embarrassment,” one customer sniped.  I had a hard time not snipping back, “It’s not an embarrassment for me.  I don’t work there and I don’t shop there.”  Also, I know enough about agriculture and pre-modern hygiene and food production that I really can’t be shocked to realize that there are such things as rodents and pests.  There always have been and there always will be until food is grown and prepared in sterile labs. 

 

In addition to all this other stuff, I’ve been doing a lot of biking- in the last week I only used my car three out of seven days which I’m quite proud of.  Still, I have to be careful not to over do it.  Fatigue from too much riding on restricted calories was definitely one of the factors that contributed to my accident last summer. 

 

On Thursday, my last day off, and again yesterday when I was working a closing shift I ended up spending most of my free time during the day sleeping.  I have today off as well which is good. It’ll give me time to pack and take my cat over to my sister’s house where he’ll be staying during my visit (he actually lived there for a couple years but I doubt his little cat brain remembers that far back).  After I get the kitty squared away I’d like to do some cleaning.  I don’t vacuum as often as I should because he hates it.  Nor do I sweep as often as I ought because he tends to get in the way of the broom.

 

On Wednesday evening I met up with my Tycho Brahe, a supervisor at work who I like quite a bit, and we had a couple of drinks (two which is probably going to be my official limit from now on) and talked for quite a while. 

 

He has a girlfriend so it was strictly a friendly, hanging-out type thing (though I do find him rather adorable).  We’d planned on discussing books, movies and graphic novels.  He seems to know a lot about McSweeney’s writers and Wes Anderson movies and more comedic stuff that I tend to enjoy when I read it or see it but don’t seek out on my own because I tend to be drawn to darker, fantastic material.  However we ended up talking much more about the personal background and family history. 

 

Talking to other people in depth always astounds me, there’s always so much more there than I would have ever imaged.  It’s probably something I should do more often because I really am genuinely interested.  It’s almost like everyone has certain major themes in their lives.  With Tycho, some are very different than mine but others are almost eerily similar.   I think it’s too easy for me to forget that other people have internal lives and to assume that they don’t struggle because unlike me they don’t walk around bleeding.

 

Tycho’s going to be leaving Whole Foods soon.  He’s going to graduate school for literature in the fall, and he also really encouraged me to get the hell out as well because really, I could probably do a lot better. 

 

I know he’s right.   I sort of know what I have to do but I’ve been putting it off because it requires me to move beyond my comfort zone by dealing with people in interview situations, maybe traveling to unknown neighborhoods and risking rejection.  It also requires I refocus energy and spend less time on both things I enjoy but use to insulate myself from reality (reading manga, watching DVD’s, blogging and my fan fiction writing) and things I do compulsively (obsessing over what I eat, worrying about grocery shopping, and downloading music files I end up never listening to). 

 

One thing that might motivate me a little is that a lot of people I like are leaving the Market.  In addition to Tycho, another supervisor I really (and wish I’d made more of an effort to get to know) just put in her notice.  Also in September it’ll be two years that I’ve worked there, which is longer than I ever intended.  This might be a good time to start thinking seriously about moving on. 

 

If only the economy didn’t suck so badly right now...

First, congratulations to ozma914 on becoming a grandfather x2 (twins).

 

His post reminded me that I’d neglected to mention a rather important tidbit of news—on 06/13/08 my pervious employer Biff and his partner Jorge became the father’s of a little boy.

 

While part of me had hoped that Biff would completely lose it and name the infant something wildly inappropriate like Tardis however apparently sanity prevailed and the boy’s name is Julian.

 

Friday the 13^th Baby: Young Julian contemplates existence. 

 

It’s funny, but on an abstract and grandiose level I can’t help but equating Julian’s birth to two daddies with the recent legalization of gay marriage in California, almost as if the two events show—one on a personal and one on a public level-- the legitimacy of love and family that goes beyond the traditional definition. 

 

 I have to admit it’s been a long time since I’ve felt optimistic and hopeful about the capacity of the American people to accept and include.  The past decade or so seems to have been a downward slide into intolerance and polarization.  I think the approaching end of the Bush presidency and the possibility that Barack Obama could replace him has done a lot to brighten my outlook. 

 

I don’t talk about politics a lot (because if you haven’t noticed I’m kind of self obsessed) but I am behind Obama in the current campaign.  He’s from Chicago, which makes it really exciting that he might be president but it’s more than that.  I actually believe in him.  I believe he’s real and decent and has the nation’s best interest at heart as opposed to his own (something I’ve never believed about Hillary Clinton). 

 

While I’ve always had a great deal of respect for John McCain as a veteran, a former P.O.W. and as someone who has always bucked the system and gone against the party line he’s really disappointed me in this campaign by allying himself with religious extremists such John Hagee (known for the notorious statement that Hurricane Katrina occurred because God was displeased with an upcoming Pride Parade), taking an anti-diplomatic stance in international affairs, and for his support of using continued military action to deal with the situation in Iraq.  It just seems to me that someone like McCain should know how destructive and fruitless war can be.  About a year ago I had hopes that he would be at the forefront of finding a better way but apparently that isn’t going to be happening. 

 A poster of Obama by Shepard Fairey.

Last weekend ended up being pretty interesting from both a social and a personal growth stand point.  I wound up going out an unprecedented two nights in a row.  On Friday I went to a party for a guy I work with who was getting married and Saturday was my arranged introduction to my brother-in-law’s friend. 

 

The party on Friday was a spur of the moment thing.  When I came into work I saw signs saying where it was and that everyone was welcome so I decided to stop in on the way home.  It was fun, I really like most the people I work with and they seem to like me so I enjoyed being with in a social setting. 

 

I’ve mentioned that I am drinking again but I’m being very careful to practice moderation so I had a light beer.  I hate beer.  I hate the way is smells and the way it tastes.  I think I was basically using the beer bottle in my hand as a sort of a prop, something to show I was participating in the party. 

 

Part of the reason I went to the party was of course that I was hoping to get an opportunity to cozy up to long time crush Tycho (which I evilly enjoy doing from time to time despite the knowledge that he has an age appropriate girlfriend).  I talked to him a little but ended up having a pretty in-depth conversation with his roommate Hugo, who also works at the market.  Hugo was more or less drunk off his ass but a lot of the things he said really made an impact on me. 

 

A bit of background—A few days ago Hugo was strolling around the work place with his shirt unbuttoned to his naval inviting people to run their fingers through his chest hair (this is the sort of thing Hugo does).  When approached I said something like “Keep that thing away from me.  It’ll be six years in November since I’ve had sex and I can’t held accountable for my actions.” 

 

We ended up talking about this at the party, why it’s been no long, why I’ve only slept with two people in my life.  I gave my usual reasons—that I’m an ugly, undesirable freak and no one will ever love me.  Hugo’s reaction to this was very different than the usual responses I get.  He said that self-deprecation is just another form of narcissism.  I’ve always associated narcissism with self-love and therefore seen myself as the opposite of a narcissist but Hugo’s right.  Negative self-obsession is still self-obsession.  All I think about is me—how much I suck, how much I eat, how stupid and ugly and strange I am-- all me all the time. 

 

I’d never really looked at it that way before and honestly it did bring me down.  Accepting responsibility for my own unhappiness is not something I want to do.  I‘ve generally blamed my parents or all the bullying/abuse I went through when I was a kid.  I tried my usual whining about my upbringing with Hugo but once again he responded is a very different way than I’ve encountered before.  He told me that if these things were still holding me back I wasn’t being hard enough on myself.

 

Which is true.  It’s been a long time since I’ve really pushed myself to go against those internalized voices that make my life miserable.  I accept them, even give in to them.  I live my life as if all the things my mother said are true, as if I am as disgusting and pathetic as she always taught me I was. 

 

It was a lot to think about, maybe too much and I did feel sort of overwhelmed when I left the party.  Then on the way out I witnessed one of the more disturbing things I’ve ever seen.  One of the guys I work with is an active alcoholic.  He’s only 26 but he’s pretty far along, he’s already got that red flush heavy drinkers get and he’s been in a couple of serious accidents.  He was at the party.  Even though he’d had hernia surgery earlier that that day he was drinking a lot, showing his bandages, and handing out his prescription pain-killers.  By the time I left he was completely wasted.  I have honestly never seen anyone that gone and still conscious.  He was simultaneously flushed red and white the way my sister had been after her caesarian section.  Worst of all he was asking for more beer and his roommates were not only getting it for him but were holding the bottle up to his lips for him. 

 

It’s so horrible, to see someone doing that to themselves and not being able to do anything about it (I can’t help wondering if the people around me feel that way to a lesser degree when I start going on about how I need to lose weight…)

 

On Saturday my brother-in-law Dean and I were going to meet this guy he knew from his monster store days who had recently broken up with his girlfriend and really wanted to meet women.  Dean picked me up at my apartment so he could have a heart-warning reunion with my kitty who used to be his kitty before my two then year old nephew decided he really, really liked Kitty and started tangling with Kitty on a regular basis resulting in Kitty coming to live with me.  After the touching master and pet reunion we went to a nearby bar to wait for my prospective suitor. 

 

Who never showed up.  Or called. Apparently he didn’t want to meet women that badly after all. 

 

I didn’t really mind that much.  I had a good time drinking Merlot and talking with Dean about movies.  As I’d never met or even spoken to my prospective suitor I could hardly take his no-show personally.  Also I had the satisfaction of knowing I’d made and effort and put myself out there without all the awkwardness of actually meeting a stranger. 

 

Two late nights in a row is apparently more than enough to exhaust me.  Combined with the fact that I was working 6 days straight, an adjustment in medication and my monthly Pre-menstrual lethargy the next couple days were sort of difficult to get through however I managed to make it to work everyday whereas last month I called in sick so I think I’m gradually inching towards managing my life instead of just retreating into comfortable self-pity. 

Yesterday was really the first day of full on summer heat we’ve had this year.  I had appointments with both my psychiatrist and therapist.  Between the whole double-whammy treatment sessions and driving to Pilsen and back with the sun beating down on me it ended up being a really draining afternoon. 

 

The therapy session was difficult because it involved a lot of discussion of things that are way outside of my comfort zone at this point (though they weren’t always).  Things like how I need to try and make myself go to work even when I feel like I just can’t, looking for a new job and most daunting of all getting out once in a while and doing something fun or social. 

 

Very scary stuff given that for the past few months my comfort zone seems to involve staying in my apartment, doing a bit of useful stuff like writing and reading but mostly numbing myself by messing about on the internet, obsessing over what I eat and what a horrible, useless person I am and being lonely and miserable.  Just getting groceries, going to the Laundromat or returning library books seems to take a huge amount of planning and anxiety. 

 

Still, I’m going to try and make the effort to make things better.  I really wasn’t always this way.  In the past, I was willing to take risks and put myself out there—I was in that  writer’s group two years ago, I went to a book club for a while, I went to things like author appearances and poetry readings on a fairly regular basis, once upon a time I even dated. 

 

I already have my “fun” outing lined up for this week.  Tomorrow night my brother-in-law is going to be supervising an arranged meeting between myself and a friend of his from his monster store days who’s interested in meeting “weird girls who like weird movies.”  Given that I consider Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and I Spit on Your Grave to be cinematic masterpieces I suppose I qualify. 

 

I’m sort of nervous but I’m trying to keep things lite, treat this meeting casually—really, it’s no big deal and there’s nothing at stake.  If we hit if off fine, if not it got me out of my apartment for an evening in accordance with my therapeutic goals.  I don’t need to kill myself trying to impress this guy and I don’t need to make myself sick worrying about how things will go. 

My brother-in-law Dean’s concert on the 23^rd was really excellent.  It was at Davenports, a piano bar on Milwaukee Ave. in my old hood Wicker Park

 

This was the first time I’d really heard him sing except for two songs-- “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered” and “Spooky” (you know the one… “Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you.”)-- he performed at the wedding reception when he and my sister got married in November of 2001. 

 

I was really impressed.  He not only has a great voice; he’s also an incredibly expressive singer.  I actually found myself tearing up a couple of times during his show.  Music can do that to me.  I almost never cry over movies (or books, or television shows) unless I’m already really upset about something but sad songs absolutely kill me.  I remember when I was a little kid absolutely weeping over things like “Puff the Magic Dragon”, “Eleanor Rigby” and Kenny Rogers’ “I Wish that I could Hurt that Way Again”. 

 

Of course Dean’s too good a showman to go with too much depressing material and the bulk of his set was more upbeat songs but even these often included a degree of bitter melancholy.  Dean loves vocal pop and he’s really good at picking songs that sound cheerful but have a bite to their lyrics—stuff like “Angel Eyes” with its world weary refrain of “the drinks and the laughs are on me”.  

 

The first half of his set was stripped down, just Dean and a pianist.  The second half was mostly material from the CD he’s been working on for the last decade or so—a collection of songs about cities called King of the Road.  This time he was accompanied by his producer, who I can’t help thinking leans a little towards over production.  Some of his arrangements take the focus off Dean’s voice.  Still, I was really pleased with his rendition of “By the Time I Got to Phoenix” which is probably my favorite Burt Bacharach song. 

 

There were quite a few people I knew at the show-- parents from my niece and nephews’ school (which it was a fund raiser for), Dean’s family and some of his friends including Nick, who I had a disastrous one night stand with when I first came to Chicago after which he completely blew me off.  Malicious little bitch that I am I was pleased to note that he was looking bloated, middle-aged and burned out.  I found him not at all attractive.

 

Not that I was feeling very attractive myself even though I was all dressed up in my fishnets stockings and a black and red slip dress.  I was actually thinking that my huge fleshly legs probably looked ridiculous in the stockings but then during intermission Dean’s Aunt came up and said “You’re a very beautiful woman” which was completely unexpected and really made me feel good. 

 

During the show, I did order a glass of wine.  I only ended up drinking about half of it.  That was enough to make me feel relaxed but not too much so.   It was my first time drinking since last July and I feel like I handled it pretty well.

The program cover for Dean's concert-- the photo is by my sister Vienna

Dear me.

 

I’ve always been very lucky in that I’m one of the few members of my family who doesn’t suffer from seasonal allergies on a regular basis.  However there must be something in bloom right now that’s getting to me because for the last couple of weeks I’ve been having sinus trouble and itchy, watery eyes.  These symptoms can be taken care of with a small dose of over the counter allergy medicine but unfortunately even the minimal dosage of these little pink pills more or less puts me to sleep. 

 

When I am awake, I’ve been very lethargic and my brain hasn’t quite been functioning.  Still, I’ve managed to make it to work.  My goal is to get through at least the next paycheck (which will be three weeks) without missing a day.  That doesn’t seem like a lot but I don’t think I’ve managed to do it since March.   

 

I’ve got some fairly exciting things coming up in the next few days.  Tomorrow night I’m going to a class on spiritual healing that one of my co-workers (teammates in official store lingo) is giving.  While I’m very skeptical about the actual benefits of healing of this sort, it’s a long standing interest of mine.  Once upon a time I actually practice Reiki however bitter little anti-heroine that I am I quickly became disillusioned by all the self-delusion, phoniness, faux piety and general human failings that tend to go hand in hand with any kind of spiritual practice.  Still, I remain fascinated by the idea of somehow being able to heal by magic or will.  In stories I’m often drawn to healers.  Leetha from Elfquest is an early instance of this, Eli Sunday the (most likely false) faith-healer in There Will Be Blood probably the most recent example. 

 

On Friday, my brother-in-law Dean is going to be singing at a piano bar in Wicker Park I think he used to sing in public fairly often when he and my sister were first going out but then he shifted his energies to making a CD the production of which has been dragging on for years.  The only time I’ve ever heard him sing was at the wedding when he and my sister got married which was in 2001.  The concert is a benefit for my nephew’s school and the tickets are $50 but since I’m family I’ll be able to get in free. 

 

Because Dean deals horror/monster movie memorabilia most people expect his musical tastes to run towards Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie but actually he doesn’t like that kind of music at all.  He prefers retro crooners and vocal standards.  Singers like Sinatra, Tom Jones, Dean Martin, Burt Bacharach, Jack Jones, and Andy Williams are his big inspiration. 

 

I wasn’t able to trade shifts on the day of the concert so I’ll have to go straight from work, which is a bit of a drag,  but it should be fun. 

A couple interesting things from the past few days.

 

I apparently have an admirer.  A few days ago when I was in the nearby park a gentleman I recognized from the low-income housing residence on my block came up, introduced himself and told me I was “cute as hell.”  Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend to which I promptly answered yes.  Now I feel a little bit paranoid every time I go out.  I guess I do have deep seated issues with men, especially men who have those little teardrop tattoos that I think I once read somewhere tend to indicate involvement in a gang or a history of incarceration.

 

Work on Friday was harsh.  I had not one but two customers ANGRY with me.  Well, they weren’t really angry at me personally but I got to be on the receiving end of their generalized frustrations with Whole Foods and the public aid respectively.  First a woman came through my line and started yelling at me because the store didn’t carry plastic bags anymore and saying that Whole Foods was arrogant and that they were disrespecting her.  There are channels to deal with customer complaints and I am not one of them.  I suggested she speak to Customer Service, fill out a customer complaint form, e-mail Corporate Headquarters, etc. etc. She refused to do any of these unless Whole Foods was willing to pay her to be a consultant and continued on her tirade.  At which point the other customers in line started yelling at her to shut up and stop holding them up. 

 

Somehow this got resolved… I don’t even remember how.  I think she finally just got sick of me and went to yell at Customer Service.  About 20 minutes later a gentleman came through the line with a bottle of soda.  Seemed like a nice safe transaction but it ended up being a complicated mess because he was paying with a Link card (Electronic Food Stamps) and apparently the soda couldn’t be purchased this way.  Which seemed very weird because I’d always thought any food item except alcohol was okay but apparently the state had recently updated their list of what can be bought with Food Stamps but in the meantime there was much tension.  I was accused of doing something weird on my end to prevent the transaction from going through and the poor unfortunate co-worker I called over to help me figure out what was wrong was accused of playing games.  Finally he too went off to the Customer Service Desk.  No matter how difficult my job gets I am infinitely thankful that I am not a supervisor and therefore unqualified to work at the Customer Service Desk. 

 

Interestingly, despite all the ill-will and hostility aimed in my direction I didn’t get really upset or start crying or anything.  Maybe my new medication is starting to kick in.

Good news and bad news.

My little brother Jackson and his wife are in Chicago. While Jackson has had to do lawyer things for most of his stay here he has tomorrow evening free and I was able to change shifts so I could have it off so I’ll be able to see them. We’re probably going to be meeting at my sister’s. I haven’t see Jackson and his wife since August and I don’t think my sister, brother and I have been together for a couple of years so I’m really looking forward to it.

The bad news is that I got an e-mail from Biff yesterday and his Uncle, who owns the business Biff runs, has finally given him go-ahead to hire a full time assistant. This is good for him because since he manages over 200 properties he really needs someone to help him. However it is bad for me because it means he won’t need me to come in once a week and pay bills anymore which means I won’t be getting that extra $80 a week I’ve been making.

I’m pretty sure I can mange without it but it means no extras—no impulse buying of manga or DVD and I’ll have to be more careful about buying groceries, no splurging on exotic and overpriced things I see at the market that look ever so interesting.

And I have non-financial reasons for wishing I could have kept the job. I had really been excited about being around when Biff and his partner’s baby came in June. I’m sure I’ll see the baby and everything but it’s not the same as being around for hours a day. Of course it’s not as if the baby would be down in the office all the time…

Maybe this will help nudge me towards finding a job that pays enough that I don’t have to work 6 days a week to support myself and buy the occasional used DVD from ebay. I am finally feeling better after my very difficult winter though I don’t know if I’m quite at the point where I can imagine anyone hiring me. Also I feel like I need to take a serious look at what I want to do. My career strategy in the past has always been to take whatever job will have me but the other day I was reading one of those stupid articles on yahoo or MSN called “Tips to Find Your Dream Job” or something and the first tip was “Define your dream job”. I’ve never really looked at it from the angle of “what do I want to do every day?” (or maybe in my case “What would I be less miserable doing every day?”).

I was off both my jobs on Tuesday and hoped to get together with my sister or go to the movies but after running some errands in the morning I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon. I think recent events at work (plus a couple of eight hour bagging shifts) have left me kind of exhausted.

Tomorrow morning I have my much-anticipated mental health evaluation. I’d put in a request to have the morning off back in February when I first made the appointment. It was ignored as scheduling requests generally are but I was able to trade for a closing shift so I’ll be able to make it. After the evaluation I’ll hopefully be referred to a psychiatrist and can start the process of adjusting/modifying my medication.

I have been better since the time change but I’m still having difficulties—the episodes of cutting I mentioned last week as well as periods of listlessness and fatigue and times when I feel totally overwhelmed and worthless. I’ve made a conscious effort not to do any more cutting and I’ve been able to hold to it but there have been a couple times in the past weeks where I honestly thought I ought to just go to the emergency room for suicidal ideation.

Yesterday I was at work and having sort of a hard time and ending up opening up maybe a bit too much to Tycho Brahe, a co-worker I feel pretty comfortable around (I’d actually asked out in January, probably not the best idea given that he’s 24 and I’m 36. Still, he was very gracious in turning me down. Poor boy, he must wonder exactly what he did to catch the eye of a mentally unstable older woman).

He’s finishing up a Master’s degree in mathematics next month and planning to go into a program in the fall for a Master’s in humanities with a focus on literature and eventually teach in that field which sounds wonderful. I would love to do something like that but right now it seems so out of my range. Because of my depression bagging groceries for eight hours seems like too much for me to handle most days.

I talked about this to him and it honestly felt good to get it out, I just worry about imposing myself and my problems on others. On the other hand I do feel like it was part of a conversation. It wasn’t just me talking at him. The boundaries of social interactions are so confusing to me. I always worry about going too far though I suspect that most people find me very restrained and unwilling to share any of myself.

Given that it has not been so terribly long since my complete physical and mental collapse I probably haven’t been taking the best care of myself the past couple days.  Sunday and Monday my schedule was as follows—Wake up at 6:30 a.m. and be to Biff’s office by 7:30 or quarter of eight.  Work there till noon, go home and get in a fifty minute workout before heading to work at the market till closing.  Yesterday I didn’t work at Biff’s at all but I had a long shift at the market and I ended up being so tired I didn’t work out.  I tell myself that this is okay.  Most people do not workout everyday.  My sister-in-law works out four or five days a week and it doesn’t seem to have affected her ability to run marathons so I’m going to try not to worry about it too much. 

Today was my day off but I had to go for training at the North Halsted store (which is actually only a couple of blocks away from my home store).  We’re getting new registers put in next week and had to learn the basics.  It wasn’t too bad though I always get a little rattled when faced with any kind of new method of doing something I’m used to doing a certain way.  Still, I think I can handle it.  It’ll be tough going at first, I’ll actually have to concentrate to do things I’m used to doing automatically but after a few days the new way will be automatic and I think it’ll actually be easier to do a lot of things and save time during cash up. 

It was cool to finally see the North Halsted store.  It opened in July but I’d never been there before.  It has more room than the Lakeview store where I regularly work and seemed fairly quite and slow paced.  Of course the thing that appeals to me the most about this particular branch of Whole Foods is that it’s located smack dab in the heart of teh gay.  It’s in the same building as the Howard Brown GLBT Health Center and Biff tells me it’s a very popular cruising spot.* I spent the training scanning the aisles for lesbilious ladies but it seemed like most of the shoppers were women with kids, not unlike at the Lakeview store. 

Of course having children in tow doesn’t automatically rule someone out as gay—I’ve mentioned Biff and his partner Jorge are going to have a baby.  A sonogram was done on the 15^th and they know for sure now it’s going to be a little boy!  Very exciting.  I’m going to start campaigning for Biff to name him after a Dr. Who character.  Not that I’ve ever watched Dr. Who mind you but Biff has a Dr. Who obsession that goes back about 25 years so I think it would be cool for him to name the baby after a Dr. Who character. 

I’m sure this is the sort of thing only a safely single, non-parent would think.  I’m still a little disappointed that my brother-in-law prevailed on my sister not to name my niece Calliope after her favorite Days of Our Lives character from the 80’s. 

After the training I went to Brown Elephant, the thrift store run by the Howard Brown Health Center which is right across the street from the North Halsted Whole Foods.  I bought a knitted pink hoodie which miraculously fit me despite being a small (no matter how thin I get I will never be a small person) and an armload of books.  I got copies of Slow River by Nicola Griffith and the poems of William Butler Yeats to replace the one I left at my parents in Upstate New York,  as well as a couple anthologies of erotica to help me with my writing, an oversized Spanish language comic book adaptation of Disney’s Alice in Wonderland, a book on Goddesses by comic book artist and historian Trina Robbins,  Where Angels Fear to Tread by E. M. Forester, The Phoenix and the Carpet by E. Nesbit (which I’ve long wanted to read) and Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities (which somehow I’ve never read). 

 

*It should be noted that Biff and his husband have been together since the mid 90’s so he probably has about as much clue as I do about popular cruising spots.

Yesterday I actually ate 2100 calories. According to thedailyplate.com with the amount of exercise I did this is in the range to maintain my weight. I have trouble believing that but I'm going to try not to panic and keep to the recommended calorie levels for a few days and see if my energy level improves.

I had a chance to go out on Saturday evening with my sister, brother-in-law and his sister and mother who I haven't seen since Thanksgiving but unfortunately I botched it up. Yesterday I got a call from work asking me to switch my day shift on Saturday to an evening shift. I had forgotten about my plans and agreed. When I remembered I called back and said I couldn't do it after all but the girl I switched with refused to back down let me bow gracefully and since I can't stand any sort of conflict I caved in and agreed to take the shift.

The whole thing left me feeling pretty lousy. Not only am I missing out on the rare chance to go out and see people but also I'm angry with my co-worker for insisting on having her way and with myself for for giving in. I really hate myself for being such a nice, accommodating, self-sacrificing wimp. I assume I’d hate myself even more if I felt like I was being “selfish” (one of my mother’s favorite words of condemnation) but maybe, as with eating more, if I did it for a few days I'd start feeling a lot better.

I’ve noticed things don’t really happen in my life. During my 20’s there were periods of years where there was not a single landmark event and when they did happen they were usually things that happened to me.

I observe that other people seem to be able to make things happen more readily than I do. If they’re unhappy at their job they find another place to work or go to school or something. Since I started working at Whole Foods probably about 50 of my co-workers have moved on while I stay in place. It’s not just work either. I see people who are interested in each other hook-up and break-up, come together, and come apart while I can nurse and unrequited crush for months or even years.

I’m trying to take the initiative as far as my job is concerned and as of this morning I’ve made an effort to be a little less passive with regards to my personal life as well. I sent an e-mail to the guy from the market who I’m sort of interested in (who I'll henceforth refer to as Tycho Brahe after my favorite historical mathematician- in fact one of the only historical mathematician I know off hand) asking if he’d like to do something outside of work. I figure what’s the worst that could happen (crushing rejection, restraining order, losing my job for sexual harassment)?

I had hoped that with Christmas behind me and my car finally working I’d have some relief from tooth-clenching, stomach churning anxiety however on Thursday (12/27) I got a letter from Illinois Unemployment saying that I was working for Biff’s property management company during the time I collected unemployment—08/26/06 to 09/23/06—so they want their money back. 

 

This is totally inaccurate—there are certain things I don’t forget and I was terminated from my job at the property management company on Sunday, 08/14/06 and the last day I worked was Friday 08/12/06.  I did go back to work part time (off the books and under the table) but that wasn’t until early November-- I remember this because when I went in that first day all the half empty cups and kegs were laying around the yard from Biff’s Halloween party the night before. 

 

I sent a semi-hysterical e-mail to Biff (who’s trying to enjoy what may be his last vacation sans child).  He’s assured me it will be taken care of so I’m trying not to dwell on it obsessively and overall things seem to be looking up.  Work has been quite manageable, even pleasant for the past few days.  The boy I sort of like leant me his copy of Rushmore, which I’d never seen before through I like a couple of Wes Anderson’s other films.  I wonder if he leant me this particular movie to send a coded message that he’s receptive to a relationship with an older woman (actually that’s the sort of obscure connection between reality and fiction that only I would make).    

 

I’m obviously a little annoyed with my mother for all the pressure she put on me to be in New York over Christmas and she sent me an e-mail yesterday that I found particularly irksome.  Eileen, the woman who was our pastor (as well as a close friend) when I was living with my parents was getting married.  Mum’s immediate response-- “This’ll be the third time she’s gotten married.  Why bother?”  Mum later recanted somewhat and said that it was probably good that Eileen was still willing to try, but the initial reaction is so typical of my mother’s worldview—no tolerance for mistakes, judgmental of and superior to anyone who doesn’t abide by her standards which are the result of a very sheltered life dominated by fear the unknown and the need to control. 

 

I’d like to say that I haven’t let Mum’s views on relationships color my own but in all honesty they have.  I really feel like the fact that my last relationship didn’t work out means that I’m fundamentally unsuited to have any kind of a partner, like it wasn’t meant to be.  Even though I’ve had my crushes over the past five years I really can’t imagine anything coming of them.  They’re reasons for me to get up in the morning and put on my make-up but I do feel rather like I’m failed in that area, that I wasn’t good enough, that I made the wrong choices and missed my chance. 

 

Which isn’t right or real or true. 

 

Mum’s always believed in her own set of inflexible rules--  Anything too difficult was not meant to be and should be abandoned.  If you’re not happy with a situation you shouldn’t try to change it because there’s a good chance you’re the problem and you’ll be unhappy whatever situation you’re in.  If you’re in a bad situation it’s because there’s something wrong with you.  If you’re good and smart and moral you’ll find a man who’s taller than you, get married by the time you’re 25 and stay married for the rest of your life.  If not, you’re just pathetic. 

 

I think that in reality, these rules don’t exist.  The third time might be the charm for Eileen.  Or maybe the fourth will work out, or the fifth time or maybe she’ll just takes something valuable from each marriage.   Maybe someday I’ll have a boyfriend again or even a girlfriend.  It’s possible, it really is.  I just wish I could believe it. 

Things have worked out so that I’ve ended up with a bit of time off for Christmas after all. I got sent home several hours early on Christmas Eve and had Christmas day off because the market was closed. Yesterday I was supposed to work 1:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. but the supervisor forgot to put me on the schedule and since my tire blew out on the way to work I decided not to push the issue and ended up not working. And today I was scheduled off at the market and am working at Biff’s. I guess I could have gone to New York for Christmas after all but I think it’s better that I stayed home and rested instead of dealing with holiday travel and family. Maybe now I won’t be quite as tense and strung out when I do go back to work. 


Yesterday I wound up spending a lot of time in garages. My car was making a grinding noise when I used the brakes so I took it in yesterday morning. It was ready just on time for me to head to work where I hit a curb and popped my tire. This was probably very unwise but I drove the two blocks to the service station with the tire flat because I didn’t want to spend the extra money for a tow truck. When I was having my tire fixed I think the man at the service station was trying to come on to me. He offered me part of his chocolate bar and then later sort of put his hand on my waist and squeezed. I’m honestly not sure if he was being sleazy or friendly, I’m not good at calling these things. 


After I got all that taken care of I went home and devoted myself to pop fantasy. I’m reading New Moon, the second book in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series, which is a sort of vampire romance. I have mixed feelings about the series. The first volume mostly annoyed me because every male the heroine, Bella, encountered seemed to be attracted to her despite her constant reassurances that she was plain and klutzy. However when it got to the history of the vampire I found myself drawn in. Frankly I’m much more interested in vampires than high school students. 


Overall, New Moon seems like a much better book so far but I find the romance at the heart of it, between the human Bella and vampire Edward sort of disturbing. He basically has every advantage in the relationship, indulging or ending it (to protect Bella) as the mood strikes him. I know this series is very popular and that sort of bothers me because it’s about a girl who makes the boy she loves the center of her world. Yet I’m done that, as a teenager and yes, as an adult woman and it seems to capture how that feels (it feels really fucking bad). 


Perhaps because the relationship with Edward is so uneven and all consuming I can’t help but find myself hoping Bella ends up with Jacob (her friend who’s a native American, two years younger and who I think is going to end up being a werewolf.) Jacob at least doesn’t spend all his time protecting her and doing things against her will that are for her own good. 


I’ve also been watching the Sci-fi channel mini-series Tin Man, which updates my beloved The Wizard of Oz. There doesn’t seem to be a limit to the number of adaptations of this story I can absorb. My favorites include Wicked (both the book and musical), Geoff Ryman’s novel Was, and David Lynch’s Wild at Heart. Tin Man takes a science fiction approach involving the search for an emerald that contains vast magical power. The Dorothy figure is DG (the always lovely Zooey Deschanel) but she’s also an Ozma of sorts. Not an ordinary girl from Kansas at all but the lost princess of the Outer Zones (O.Z.) hidden away in another world. The wicked witch is her mad, malevolent older sister Azkadellia. It’s pretty entertaining thus far (I’m 2/3 of the way through) though I wish I had it on DVD. I’m watching AVI’s on my computer so the picture is about three inches in size. I really like Alan Cumming as Glitch, a scarecrow figure who’s literally had part of his brain removed (of course it should be noted that I adore Alan Cumming in general and therefore like just about everything I’ve ever seen him in). I also like the storyline with the two sisters, the flashbacks to their past together and how Azkadellia became evil. 


Sometimes I think I spend entirely too much time consuming fantasies and not enough on my own life. Of course sometimes I think that fantasies are the only thing that protects me from my own life. I did make it through Christmas intact which is a positive step. I felt a little sad that I was on my own but nothing too bad. 


I often make an effort not to get involved with others but recently I’ve been taking tentative steps towards one of my co-workers to whom I’m rather attracted. Not deli-boy, who was glamorous but totally beyond my reach. This is a guy I’ve actually had conversations with who doesn’t have a girl friend and I think seems kind of interested. I worry though that I’m reading the situation completely wrong and will make a fool of myself. For starters he’s about 10 years younger than I am. I just finished watching the Twin Peaks boxset and I’m worried that I’m the equivalent of Nadine running amok at Twin Peaks High. He might think of me as this pathetic old lady, not someone he’d be interested in at all. Well, since I’m not drinking I don’t have to worry about coming on too strong. My sober persona tends to be very, very restrained. 

The monthly All Store Team Meeting was at 6:30 a.m. this morning.  Nothing like getting up extra early to drive to work in the freezing rain. Grrr.

 

I went to Biff’s office to work immediately afterwards and received what will doubtlessly be the biggest surprise of my holiday season—Biff and his partner Jorge are having a baby! 

 

No I haven’t been reading too many Mpreg fics.

 

A friend of theirs is carrying the child as a surrogate, Jorge is the biological father and the egg is from Biff’s sister so the baby will be a combination of both of them which is sort of weird but very amazing (keep in mind that in general I view the whole process of reproduction with a combination of horror and fascination).

 

I had no idea they were going to do this.  I’d known that they’d looked into adoption several years ago (before I moved to Chicago) and hadn’t had any luck and had considered another woman as a surrogate once upon a time but I’d had not inkling that they were still pursuing the idea of becoming parents. 

 

Apparently they went to see Biff’s parents over the weekend and told them and now are letting their friends know.  It wasn’t something they really wanted to let anyone know about until they were sure of the pregnancy but now the surrogate mother is past the first trimester (the baby is due in June) and there haven’t been any problems so they decided to start letting people know.   

 

It’s funny, Biff said that when he told his parents there was going to be a baby they thought at first he was getting a new bulldog because he always calls the dogs “the babies.”  Of course my first thought was that if the baby is a girl he should name her either Zoe or Petunia after the two bulldogs that died though I guess that would be a bit odd. 

 

Very exciting news.  I’m really happy for Biff and Jorge and I think this could be a really good step for Biff.  He’s a wonderful person but running his business (or rather his uncle’s business) has just consumed his life over the past few years.  His office is in his basement and he pretty much lives down there, arguing with Chicago Housing subsidy programs, crazy tenants and even crazier work crews for hours and hours.  He used to be really involved in preserving historic buildings but I don’t think he does much besides work anymore.  At least that was the case when I was working for him full time.   I’ve more or less detached myself from his world since I got laid off—I come in once a week and pay the bills—so things may be a little more balanced but basically I think fatherhood will be good for him.  As I observed with my sister and brother-in-law having small children about basically forces you to rearrange and re-prioritize your life around their needs. 

I do hope it's a girl.  I do I do. 

I did a fairly unprecedented amount of socializing over the weekend. 

 

On Friday night after work I ended up hanging out with some other cashiers at a bar down and street and then on Sunday afternoon I went to a party at a co-worker’s apartment.  Keeping to my decision to avoid alcohol I didn’t have anything to drink, though I did smoke a bit of pot at the party.  I haven’t touched marijuana since I was a senior in college (circa 1993 or 1994).  I don’t have anything against it per say; I just dislike the physical act of smoking.  Also it’s illegal and even stupid laws can get you in trouble. 

 

I did two hits and I didn’t really get enough to affect me  (my technique being somewhat rusty).  Since I didn’t feel a pressing need to get high I left it at that though I could have had more.  That’s something I never seem to be able to do with alcohol. 

 

It was a pleasant little party and the after work get together was also fun so overall I feel quite good about them both.  It’s nice to know that I can be around people and even participate a little without getting totally fucked-up. 

 

Saturday I went to the 4th annual Renegade Craft Show (my sister and I actually participated in the first right after I got to Chicago).  It’s been in Wicker Park that past three years but this time it was a little to the South an Division just East of Damen.  And it was huge, tons of venders, heaps of nifty stuff.  I could have easily spent several hundred dollars but since I couldn’t I limited my purchases to a t-shirt with a pink squid silk-screened over orangey-pink and cream stripes.  I ran into my sister and she’d bought a vintage slip silk-screened with an octopus print.  They were from totally different vendors.  Apparently multi-armed aquatic creature motifs are popular amongst D.I.Y crafters.  I also picked up a ton of free cards, stickers and buttons.  My favorite little button that said “Brown Loves Pink”.  It was by a designer who used a lot of pink and brown in her work but I’m going to wear it as my final statement on Reservoir Dogs.