bitterfig

The library in Bucktown got in a whole bunch of volumes of the Natsuki Takaya manga Fruits Basket so I’ve been reading them for the past few days.  It really is an excellent series though sometimes it does get a too cutesy and overblown for my tastes.  It really does an effective job of illustrating the way unconditional love can make a difference in people’s lives and also what a risk it can be to allow your self to love and be loved. 

 

In a way it kind of makes me ashamed of my own writing which is so focused on cruelty, repeated patterns of abuse, and succumbing to hopelessness.  A particularly vivid illustration of this is the Fruits Basket fan fiction pieces I’ve written, which in essence are almost diametrically opposed to the actual series.  While Natsuki Takaya focuses on characters changing, growing and getting over their damage my writing is all about damage, bad memories, and being beaten down.

 

I think this is of special concern to me because of a class I took about two weeks ago.  It was called “Healing Minds, Healing Memories” and was taught by a co-worker of mine who’s big into alternative healing and has studied in a couple different shamanistic traditions.  The class basically dealt with making painful memories and disturbing dreams more bearable by re-imagining them, changing things around to make them less upsetting.  

 

In a way, it sort of reminded me of my writing process which usually starts with a dream or a memory which I proceed to fuck with.  I thought this was fitting, because in a way I view writing almost as a form of prayer or spell-craft but if that’s the case, what kind of spells am I casting? 

 

Not very good ones. 

 

It’s not that I think writing is literally magic, that if I write something it will come true.  I do however think that if you go to the trouble of envisioning something as vividly as possible, working through it step by step and committing it to paper it seems real to you.  Wouldn’t it be better for me to be imagining positive things, situations where people open up, accept themselves, gain confidence, overcome adversary and connect with others? 

 

Of course there is a part of me that honestly believes I only have so much control over what I write—often stories and ideas take on a life of their own and go in a completely different direction than planned. 

I though I might have been being a bit of a hypochondriac calling in sick on Thursday but today I’m feeling so much better I realize I was pretty sick.  I probably should have taken yesterday off as well because I felt very poorly for most of my shift and my level of customer service probably dropped to an all time low.  It’s hard to be pleasant when you’re wondering if you’re going to pass out.  Today I really felt like I was myself again, no cold sweats, sensations of spinning or shaking.  I was actually in quite high spirits.  It was a beautiful, perfect fall day and market was hosting a “Halloween Freak Out” which included people form a local arts center making masks and students from the Paul Green School of Rock (which is just down the street) playing Black Sabbath songs.  All this was out in the parking lot but you could hear the music inside and it was fun.  I’m not exactly a Black Sabbath fan but I love Halloween and I thought it was a cool idea in general. 

 

I finished Good Omens which I really liked.  I don’t read a lot of humor or watch many comedies but I’m beginning to think maybe I should because I always seem to end up really loving the things I do watch/read.  One of my all time favorite films in The Life of Brian and probably the best movies I saw last year were the only two comedies I went to, Strangers With Candy and Little Miss Sunshine.  Still, I tend to be very wary of comedy and humor.  I don’t quite trust it.  Too often there’s cruelty at its heart.  I’m guilty of this myself.  I can be viciously funny, usually at someone else’s expense, if I don’t watch myself.  Also I think humor is often misused to create a smokescreen and avoid dealing with something that needs to be addressed. 

I’ve just finished reading two books, Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code and Francesca Lia Block’s Psyche in a Dress.

( cut for length and spoilers )

In Alan Moore’s Promethea when Barbara and Sophie, two of the mortal women who incarnate the divine Promethea are on the Chesed level of the Tree of Life their guide Boo-Boo (who’s a younger version of Barbara as well as her guardian angel says “Existence loves us.  If it could, it’d stop a bullet for us.  An’ it works #%$@*& to put bread on the table for us an’ to keep a #%$@*& sky over our heads.”   

 

This line really struck me when I was reading Promethea but I dismissed it along with a lot of what the series imparts as something that’s a lovely sentiment but not really the way things really work. 

 

Yet there are times I can almost believe it’s true.  Yesterday for instance.  Right after I posted about being a complete loser and generally sucking I went to work.  Because I’m somewhat obsessive compulsive I always get to work 45 minutes to an hour early so I was up in the break room drinking Kombucha and feeling miserable when my #1 crush deli-boy tapped me on the shoulder to say hello because he hadn’t seen me in a while.  It has been a while (about a month).  I actually had thought he’d left the store but it turns out he’s only working Saturdays now that schools started again.   

 

Sigh.  He’s so cute.  He looks just like a more diabolical version of Jon Heder in  Blades of Glory.

 

It’s sort of silly but seeing him and especially the fact that he made a point of getting my attention really made me feel a lot better and it just came at the perfect time too, that’s why I thought of the quote from Promethea. 

 

Pessimistic as I am I’m glad I can still appreciate the occasional blessing the universe bestows. 

 

I sent out about half a dozen resumes today for jobs advertised in the Chicago Reader and on Craigs List Chicago.  In an attempt to stay positive I’m trying to keep in mind that at least I’m not unemployed like I was the last time I was looking for a job.