bitterfig

I generally eat an extremely low fat diet, probably not more than 20 grams a day when 50 or 60 grams is probably the recommended amount.  It lately occurred to me that this might not be healthy, so for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been making a conscious effort to add a couple of grams of fat to each meal (though I’m compulsively careful to keep the overall calorie content the same). 

 

I’m not sure if this has anything to do with my increased fat intake, but I got my period today and it’s actually a couple of weeks early—I generally menstruate every other month and it’s only been a little over a month since the last time.  Also my pre-menstrual depression wasn’t nearly as bad as usual.  I usually feel absolutely miserable for at least a few days but this time I was more or less okay except for a brief bout of self-pity and weepiness at work last night (I don’t think anyone noticed, over the years I’ve become fairly apt at performing my job while undergoing various forms of angst).  Physically I felt sort of queasy but nothing nearly as bad as I’m accustomed to. 

 

So maybe there are some beneficial side-effects to eating a little more sanely. 

 

Sometimes I wish I’d just gone in the hospital 13 years ago then all this started and stayed there until all my mental issues worked out.  Back then I actually had decent insurance that would have covered hospitalization, unlike now, but I had to finish grad school then I had to take a high paying job working at a deli followed by a two year stint as a bank teller followed by a five year stint as a secretary…  I feel like I could have used the relatively cushy time I was living with my parents so much better. 

 

Now I can’t even manage to get in to see my intern therapist more than once every few weeks, which is frustrating. 

 

I feel like I still have so many issues with food, anxiety, and depression that make it a constant struggle to function but I have no choice but to keep functioning, keep getting to work, keep getting through work, keep paying the bills, keep working out…. It really seems like an endless treadmill sometimes.  For me getting sick has always been the way off the treadmill but technically I haven’t been sick in a long time.  I’m at a healthy weight for my height (one which I find uncomfortably high and which seems to be creeping ever upwards); I probably eat close to 2000 calories a day.  I’m not really anorexic any more, I haven’t been for years but I still have all the issues and am struggling with food everyday. 

Yesterday ended up being a super long ass day at work because in addition to an 11:15 a.m. to 7:45 pm. mid-shift I had my annual job dialogue from 9:15 a.m. to 10:45 a.m. 

 

I approach job dialogues rather like I would approach a self-criticism session in Maoist China, by pointing out my short comings and the ways in which I could do better.  I’m a reliable employee, but because of my depression and disordered eating (not to mention my second job) I don’t have a lot of energy and I’m not always able to give 100%, much less go above and beyond what’s expected of me.  Also I’m not outgoing.  I exchange basic pleasantries with the customers but I’m not good at chatting, striking up conversation or initiating long-term meaningful relationships.  Quite a few of the people on the front end and naturally friendly and out-going and are really brilliant at talking with people so I really feel deficient in this area.   

 

The Team Leader who conducted the job dialogue wasn’t nearly as hard on me as I was on myself.  He pointed out that short-handed as we’ve been being steady and reliable is a big plus even if I’m not able to do a lot of extra.  And he also told me that there are customers who actually prefer to deal with someone who’s professional and efficient and takes care of them without a lot of personalized interaction and chatting.  There was a woman who transferred to another store earlier this year who had been there six years and had a very similar style to me and he knew that some customers would intentionally wait to go through her line because it was easier on them.  They knew what to expect and they didn’t have to deal with making small talk.  I can certainly understand that.  Often when I’m on the way home from work and I’m tired I just want to get in and out of a store as fast and effortlessly as possible. 

 

So I feel rather better about my job.  It’s not my particular calling in life and I may not even be doing it for much longer but it’s good to know I’m doing okay and I’m not a complete incompetent the way I sometimes feel.  Also my pay rate got kicked up $.75 an hour which should be helpful.    

 

It should be noted that the weepiness and feelings of worthlessness and despair I’ve been experiencing recently began a few days before my period started.  Looking back I was going through exactly the same thing around the second week of August.  Maybe I should go on that form of birth control where you only menstruate four times a year but I’m hesitant to do that because menstruation protects your heart and bone mass.  Because I didn’t have periods for about four years when I was anorexic it might be dangerous to mess with them.  I should probably visit my doctor.  I don’t think I’ve been in well over a year and I think my insurance will spring for an annual check-up.

 

Speaking of my insurance company they’ve started getting the bills for my bike accident and naturally they don’t want to pay them so the sent me a bunch of paperwork last week on pre-existing conditions.  That might work for getting out of some bills, but I don’t think its going to help them out in this case. 

I’ve been feeling really sensitive and depressed over the past few days, as I’m sure my recent posts attest to. 

 

I had an unpleasant incident at work on Sunday that really brought me down and I haven’t really been able to bounce back from it yet.  I was working as a cashier and I’d just finished ringing up a customer.  As she was walking away the guy who was bagging for me, who I’ve never really been able to read, asked if she’d paid for a lavender plant.  I said “no” and he pointed out that there was a plant on the bottom of the cart.  “You should stop her,” he said. 

 

I was about to stop ringing up the next customer and she was too far away for me to call to and I sort of froze, I wasn’t really sure what to do.  The guy who was bagging kept saying “you need to stop her, she’s leaving.”  I said something like “I can’t walk away from a customer” but he said “you’re the cashier, you have to stop her.” 

 

I really didn’t know what to do.  I finally did manage to go after her and it turned out she hadn’t wanted the plant and was just putting it back in the foyer area.  When I got back to the register I explained that to the bagger and said something like “I don’t think I’m supposed to leave the register.”  “But she was right there,” he answered as if she’d been a few feet away but she wasn’t, she was several registers away and I just got so frustrated I started shaking and tearing up. 

 

I don’t know if it was just a misunderstanding or if he was intentionally fucking with me.  As I said I’ve never been able to read this guy.  His girlfriend works in grocery and she’s really sweet so I hope he isn’t a bad person who plays nasty games with the emotionally vulnerable.  Still, overall I consider myself lucky.  Stuff like that used to happen to me all the time in a couple of my other jobs.  I used to be lucky if I could get through the week without being goaded to tears.

 

I think part of the reason I’m so touchy and over-wrought is that I have my period right now, which wrecks havoc on my mood.  It always starts out with a general feeling up hopelessness a few days before then goes into almost violent bouts of sadness.  I’m not sure what to do about it.  It was just as bad when I was on the pill last year, maybe ever worse because it happened more regularly then.  Off the pill I menstruate less frequently, my last period was about the time of the gay pride parade which was on the 24^th of June.   I’m not sexually active, so at least I don’t have to worry about the irregularity being due to pregnancy.

 

I do feel a bit better today, even though the monthly All Store Team Meeting was this morning.  God, it seems like we just had one.  Honestly the only time I want to be seeing co-workers at 6:30 a.m. is if I’m having one of my special private dreams (had one just a couple days ago…)