bitterfig

Yesterday was really the first day of full on summer heat we’ve had this year.  I had appointments with both my psychiatrist and therapist.  Between the whole double-whammy treatment sessions and driving to Pilsen and back with the sun beating down on me it ended up being a really draining afternoon. 

 

The therapy session was difficult because it involved a lot of discussion of things that are way outside of my comfort zone at this point (though they weren’t always).  Things like how I need to try and make myself go to work even when I feel like I just can’t, looking for a new job and most daunting of all getting out once in a while and doing something fun or social. 

 

Very scary stuff given that for the past few months my comfort zone seems to involve staying in my apartment, doing a bit of useful stuff like writing and reading but mostly numbing myself by messing about on the internet, obsessing over what I eat and what a horrible, useless person I am and being lonely and miserable.  Just getting groceries, going to the Laundromat or returning library books seems to take a huge amount of planning and anxiety. 

 

Still, I’m going to try and make the effort to make things better.  I really wasn’t always this way.  In the past, I was willing to take risks and put myself out there—I was in that  writer’s group two years ago, I went to a book club for a while, I went to things like author appearances and poetry readings on a fairly regular basis, once upon a time I even dated. 

 

I already have my “fun” outing lined up for this week.  Tomorrow night my brother-in-law is going to be supervising an arranged meeting between myself and a friend of his from his monster store days who’s interested in meeting “weird girls who like weird movies.”  Given that I consider Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and I Spit on Your Grave to be cinematic masterpieces I suppose I qualify. 

 

I’m sort of nervous but I’m trying to keep things lite, treat this meeting casually—really, it’s no big deal and there’s nothing at stake.  If we hit if off fine, if not it got me out of my apartment for an evening in accordance with my therapeutic goals.  I don’t need to kill myself trying to impress this guy and I don’t need to make myself sick worrying about how things will go. 

The weather here in Chicago has been bouncing back and forth between wintry and spring like over the past couple of weeks with each new front being ushered in by heavy winds.  I think I must be affected by barometric pressure because I’ve been very lethargic recently, taking naps during the day and not doing much beyond dragging myself to work and watching a whole lot of DVDs.  

 

Maybe in an attempt to remedy this I’ve made a couple health related decisions recently.  First I’ve gone off the pill.  I initially went on it in January in hopes that it might lessen my pre-menstrual depression however something is amiss and during the three months I’ve been taking it I’ve had my period five times.  So I’m still having the pre-menstrual depression, just every two weeks instead of every six. 

 

Also I’ve stopped drinking diet soda.  Again.  I got hooked on diet soda circa 1994 and have alternated between periods of abstinence (several of which were a year or more in length) and periods of massive consumption (three to four 20 ounce bottles a day, a liter over the course of an evening).  When I started working at whole foods back in September of 2006 their “no artificial sweeteners” policy inspired me to cut out diet pop and I managed to avoid it completely until December of 2007 when I started up again at my usual excessive levels which was a big mistake. 

 

Drinking diet soda not only makes me feel like I’m freezing cold from the inside out it increases my appetite, which is already pretty substantial to begin with.   Even though I’m at a normal weight and I’ve been eating nearly 2000 calories a day I still feel really hungry sometimes and I expect that has to do with drinking diet soda.  I really think the taste of sugar that isn’t really there makes your body want calories.  In addition to the screwed-up physical things it does when I drink diet soda I tend to go into a weird obsessive compulsive mode and treat it in the same way an alcoholic might treat liquor—that is to say I spend an inordinate amount of time planning and working out things so that I will have access to diet soda at all times (caffeinated for during the day, non-caffeinated for evenings), stocking up for the next day, and going out of my way to get certain flavors I’m fixated on (Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper is to me the holy grail of diet pop.  The only place I’ve ever seen it in 20 ounce bottles is at CVS at Chicago and Western).  It’s actually quite a load off my mind not to have to be doing all this extra worrying and plotting. 

I went to the doctor yesterday.

It was shall we say frustrating.

He didn’t have anything very helpful to say on either my physical or mental condition. Just that I should rest and drink fluids for the next few days for my cold and see a psychologist for my depression.

In an effort to follow his recommendations regarding my cold (and not wanting to risk a repeat of Sunday) I didn’t go into work today. I figure I'm already going to have to dip into my savings for expenses so I might as well fully recover and not push myself. I’m not scheduled to work Wednesday or Thursday and I’m desperately hoping that by Friday I’ll be fit to return to work.

Today I’ve made a conscious effort not to work out (which I’ve been doing all along despite my cold) and am a bit freaked out over that. I am also extremely tired; I’ve been napping on and off most of the day. My rotten kitty wakes me up when he feels I need to pay him some attention by delicately swatting me in the face.

I double checked my insurance and confirmed that my mental health benefits are indeed non-existent. This means I’ll have to try and find a psychologist who will see me on sliding scale. I made inquiries about city mental health facilities but they’re all closed today because it’s Lincoln’s birthday. Rather ironic given that he was a depressive himself. Well, tomorrow…

My wonderful mental health coverage

I managed to drag myself out this morning to get some groceries, including some gel-caps that seem to work better than the generic brand Sudafed I’d been taking. I’m not feeling dizzy or in pain anymore but my nose is still running like water. I don’t know what I’m going to day about work tomorrow. I’m scheduled for a long mid-shift, not sure if I’m going to be up to it.

Yesterday I called Fabrizio, who coordinates paid time off and insurance at the Market. He says that if I get a note from my doctor saying that my absences have to do with my medical condition he might be able to take off some of the points I’ve built up. I talked to my doctor today and she’s going to mail a letter. I feel kind of guilty about doing this, like I’m getting away with something but I really think that my chronic depression and eating disorder have really contributed to my recent health problems. Also I’m not getting anything out of it. I still won’t be paid for the time I’ve missed I just won’t be penalized for it which will be done less thing for me to worry about.

I watched Sleepy Hollow last night. Christopher Walken as the Hessian is so terrifying yet sexy… those filed teeth… though the image that struck me the most was the two white blonde little girls he comes upon in the forest one of whom grows up to become a shabby woodland witch, the other Miranda Richardson’s ornate and murderous lady of the manor. They rather reminded me of the dark haired sisters, DJ and Azkadellia in the Wizard of Oz revision Tin Man I watched last month. Two sisters who stumble upon something evil and because of it go in opposite ways. I sometimes feel as if my sister and I are something like that. She managed to fight her way out of whatever darkness possessed us but I’m still living in it.

Yesterday I actually ate 2100 calories. According to thedailyplate.com with the amount of exercise I did this is in the range to maintain my weight. I have trouble believing that but I'm going to try not to panic and keep to the recommended calorie levels for a few days and see if my energy level improves.

I had a chance to go out on Saturday evening with my sister, brother-in-law and his sister and mother who I haven't seen since Thanksgiving but unfortunately I botched it up. Yesterday I got a call from work asking me to switch my day shift on Saturday to an evening shift. I had forgotten about my plans and agreed. When I remembered I called back and said I couldn't do it after all but the girl I switched with refused to back down let me bow gracefully and since I can't stand any sort of conflict I caved in and agreed to take the shift.

The whole thing left me feeling pretty lousy. Not only am I missing out on the rare chance to go out and see people but also I'm angry with my co-worker for insisting on having her way and with myself for for giving in. I really hate myself for being such a nice, accommodating, self-sacrificing wimp. I assume I’d hate myself even more if I felt like I was being “selfish” (one of my mother’s favorite words of condemnation) but maybe, as with eating more, if I did it for a few days I'd start feeling a lot better.

In college I had a new age friend who said that the weeks leading up to a person’s birthday tends to be a period of lull as your annual allotment of psychic energy is running low. 

 

This is sort of true for me, maybe not for the reasons my friend would think but because my birthday is in January which is generally cold and nasty and also follows the Christmas season which tends to be pretty draining. 

 

Whatever the reason, I’m feeling fairly burnt out as I draw near my 36^th birthday.  I feel like my last couple of stories really emptied my creative batteries and I haven’t really felt like writing anything the past few days.  Nor do I especially feel like doing anything.  Given the choice I’d probably just stay home and do nothing.  I’m not even feeling intellectually passionate about anything.  I’m still reading Vanity Fair and I went to see There Will Be Blood on Monday but it took a huge effort. 

 

The problem with being like this is that I get bored and lonely.  I usually have so much stuff going on in my head that this isn’t an issue but I’ve been very tired and foggy the last couple of days.  Consuming way too much caffeine doesn’t seem to make me more alert, just shaky. 

 

There could be a couple of physical things contributing to this.  Because my pre-menstrual depression has gotten so bad I started taking the pill again on Saturday after about a year and a half break.  That could be influencing how I feel.  Also, because taking the pill can result in weight gain I’ve cut down I’ve cut down on my daily food intake.  I’m sort of disappointed with myself for doing this.  I was hoping I could allow myself to be at a normal weight and take advantage of the extra energy to focus on getting another job.  Unfortunately I seem to have a strong propensity for self-sabotage. 

 

 

Yesterday was to be my big job hunting day.  I applied for a few positions but overall I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have.  Part of it was that it was my first day off in forever and I had some other things I had to take care of, mainly renewing my driver’s license which was set to expire on my Birthday next week.  I couldn’t renew on-line so I had to haul my sorry ass over to the Chicago North DMV building which is way, way out on Elston Avenue and go through the whole process of standing in various lines, taking a number etc.  At least that’s taken care of for another four years.

 

My other distractions were purely frivolous-- going to the library (as if I won’t be reading Vanity Fair for the next month), writing, and updating my journal.  Things I enjoy doing and want to do on my day off but still I really have to make job hunting a priority.  I’m particularly aware of that this morning because I don’t feel very well.  I’m dizzy and have stomach cramps but I’ve got to be at work at 2:45 p.m. because if I take a sick day I’ll be half a point away from termination.  

 

I know I procrastinate and put off my job search because I’m afraid of being turned down and also of change but I’m also afraid of failing and having to return to my parents.  I had a nightmare about it last night.  I was packing up my apartment (which was also my dorm room from college) to go back to my parents house in Upstate New York.  I think it was partially influenced by a movie I recently watched, Everything is Illuminated which is about a Jewish American who goes to the Ukraine to search for his families roots.  There are many, many shots of driving through the remote Ukrainian countryside that reminded me of the rural landscape where I grew up-- beautiful in so many ways but also empty and desolate. 

 

The film version of Everything is Illuminated was, like the book on which it is based, deeply flawed but still vital and interesting.  Watching it I found that I identified not with the American, Jonathan, a compulsive collector who comes seeking his roots, but with Alex, the native Ukrainian, who wants nothing to do with history and embraces cheap contemporary pop culture.  I feel like that’s what I want to do and maybe that guarantees that sooner or later I’ll have to deal with where I come from.   My case is of course a bit  unique.  I know many people feel cut off from their heritage but both my parents want to live in 1800’s so I’ve had a version idealized of the past forced on me for as long as I can remember.  Spend enough of your childhood paying homage at he graves of various ancestors and you’re bound to resent them.  My mother in particular is very uncomfortable with sexuality and has created a safe haven in a chaste and pious past.  Among her prize processions are the journals of a relative who would faithfully report the weather and the chores performed each and everyday while never mentioning her pregnancies except to note that she had had a child and certainly never making mention of said child’s conception. 

I’m afraid 2008 started off rather poorly for me.  On January 2^nd it was three degrees outside and the battery in my car died.  I’m sure this happened to a great many people that day, but I’m not so good at dealing with the unexpected so it caused me a great deal of distress.

 

My first priority had to be getting to work.  I always leave the house early but I spent quite a while trying to get my car going and when I called for a cab I was told it would be half an hour to 40 minutes so I was going to be late. 

 

A bit of background—at the market we don’t get sick days.  We get “paid time off “to be used for covering time missed due to either illness or vacation.  However if you are absent or tardy it’s counted against you and if you are absent or tardy more then a set number of times you’ll be fired.  It used to be that absences and being late stayed on your record for three months then rolled off.  However as of 01/01/08 that’s increased to six months.  I’m already at the halfway mark because I missed a day each in October, November and December so needless to say being late was a big fucking deal for me because it’s going to be on my record till June. 

 

If you’re going to be late, you’re supposed to call in to the market and let them know (though it still counts against you.)  I dutifully called in getting the number from a card I carry in my wallet.  Maybe because I was a little preoccupied with the prospect of losing job and worries about how to get the car going I neglected to put my wallet back in my purse. 

 

The cab came and drove me to work.  It was only when I went to pay that I realized I didn’t have my wallet with me. 

 

Given a choice between a personal check (with a 50% tip included) and nothing the cabbie made an exception to the rule and accepted my check.  I punched in to work twelve minutes late knowing I had no way to get home.

 

At this point I sort of cracked and had a full on crying jag.  This is something I usually try to avoid going in the presence of others because it is not only undignified it is downright ugly.  Unfortunately sometimes it just can’t be helped and I guess this was one of those times. 

 

By my first break I managed to pull myself together enough to deal with things.  The market wouldn’t cash a check so I ended up calling my sister and she agreed to pick me up when I finished at 5:30 p.m.  After that I was okay until 5:30 p.m.  My sister showed up to pick me up, children in tow, but unfortunately the clueless supervisor (well, one of the two clueless supervisors) was on the day so I was till on the floor when I was due to finish and still had to cash up (a 15 to 20 minute process).  Explaining this to my sister I got a little hysterical but eventually I got relieved and was able to cash up and get home.  The next day I managed to get a new battery and get it installed. 

 

The whole experience took a lot out of me and has really increased my dissatisfaction with my job.  My co-workers were very sympathetic but I find myself very dissatisfied with store policies (the treatment of absence, not cashing my check) and supervision.  01/02/08 was the first time I’ve been late since I started working at Whole Foods in 09/06.  I really think they could cut me a little slack.  When I am absent I always call in and I really don’t think I’m absent in excess given how lousy I felt the past two months.  Back in December when the new attendance system was announced I actually tried to talk to the Team Leader about how worried I was about the new system but I was pretty much dismissed.  I was told the system was perfectly fair and that if I had health concern I ought to stock up on Wellness Formula, a vitamin supplement the store sells. 

 

Friday is going to be my first day off (where I’m not working at either Biff’s office or the market) since 12/26/07 and I’m going to devote it to doing some serious job hunting.